City Wendy

We're all in it together

I'd meant to post this a few days ago, but what with all the Bachelor excitement and then the vagina extravaganza, I was just already too many kinds of wound up to devote time or space to our collective Ugly Phases.  But, it's a snowy, snowy day here in Chicago and I've cancelled my classes in lieu of making a treacherous two-hour jaunt to the 'burbs to teach, and so here I am at home with an unexpected afternoon to devote to blogging and baking (and, um, that job hunt thing. I guess).

So, with no futher ado (I love that word!), here are a few of my favorite Ugly Phase photos that I received over the last week and a half, photos that celebrate pre-pubescent and adoloscent awkwardness in all its glory:

The first brave soul to send in a photo was Brit import, Stuart, who calls his picture "wazzock," and says this about it: "Wazzock is a sort of west-country insult between idiot and yokel.  The waistcoat is still hanging in my wardrobe here and Krissa has promised violence and/or divorce should it make an outing in seriousness, but it did come in handy as a costume piece for another actor recently in a production of As You Like It, which had a sort of cowboy feel in places.  For some reason."

Lori sent in this picture of herself and says this, "I really hate to brag, but I'm pretty sure I take the cake on this one. Buck teeth?  Check. Bad glasses? Check. Terrible Hair? Do you think anyone will notice I trimmed my bangs myself? Awful Clothes? I spy an airbrushed cat sweatshirt, tapered K-Mart jeans, and high-top Reeboks. Check."

This photo comes from Jay, who writes simply, "Here's a pic of me at 18.  I was painfully weird."

This one comes from Niels and I think you'll agree it needs no caption.

And because you all have been so brave to traverse and share your own rocky paths down memory lane, I'll leave you with one more embarrassing photo of me, which isn't so much ugly as it is painfully, painfully awkward.  And really pretty sad.  Please notice the gloved hand and forearm draped elegantly over my chest and lower shoulder.

If you'd like to join in the cheap therapy and share your ugly or awkward phases with the internet, send your pictures in!  As I receive them, I'll post the best ones in batches of 3 or 4.  Let's all celebrate the gawky geeks that live inside us (some, perhaps, less deeply than others).

Ugly Phase

Shortly after I moved into my current apartment a couple of years ago, I realized that one of the drawers in the dresser I inherited from my grandparents was stuck.  As much as I tried to jostle it open, it just would not budge more than a few centimeters.  And like most things in my life that don't work properly, I quit thinking about it and hoped it'd work its self out eventually.  But two years later when the drawer was still stuck, I'd had it--I was sick of my life being all fucked up and that damn drawer was just a metaphor for everything that was wrong. If I could just open the drawer, then everything would be good again, I'd own my life and the world would be balanced. 

So, planning my attack, I got out a steak knife and a hammer and worked my way into that drawer until finally hours later, tired, sweaty, and covered in sawdust, I freed it from its prison and there before me sat all my old journals and boxes of old letters and cards and photos.

I sifted through the box of pictures and picked one out, stared at it a moment and said out loud, "This?  This is what I sweated for for the last three hours?  This is what's going to turn my life around and restore balance to the universe?"  Looking up at me from the palm of my hand was my Ugly Phase, the one thing that, at least until my infamous mullet cut in July, I'd spent the last many years trying to repress and forget.

My Ugly Phase #1:

It was my passport picture from 1986.  I was ten and athletic and didn't care about dresses and I rocked the mullet.

It may have been bad, but at least my parents had the good sense to get me into contact lenses and encourage me to keep my mouth shut until braces straightened my teeth four years later.  I mean, at least I didn't look like this anymore:

That's my little sister, Allison, on the right.  I'm 9 and she's about 3 and she's thinking, "Oh God, all I want for Christmas this year is the promise that I'll never look like that!"

Just incase you can't quite make out the mullet and buck teeth, here's one more:

Dig the blue floral blouse with puffed-sleeves and authentic-looking Victorian cuffs!

I'm happy to say that my ugly phase phased itself out around the time I turned 14.  After the the first mullet fiasco, I finally hit my stride in 8th grade, when I let my bangs grow out and quit letting stylists talk me into perming my hair.  In the height of puberty, I put a few pounds on my bony frame, gained some feminine curves and, to my delight, the attention of boys! 

Sadly, Ugly Phase #2 was just around the corner and hit in a big way during my freshman year of college.  Before I had them surgically reduced, my boobs had grown to an enormous size F, while late-night chinese take-outs and near-nightly booze binges lead to the unfortunate Freshman 20, showcased by the stylish stone-washed, high-rise jeans and baggy flannel shirts:

So, why am I sharing my Ugly Phases with you?  Well, inspired  by Monica and Holly who have been sharing their old embarrassing photos, I discovered it's cheaper than therapy and also it's fun.  Come on, you try it now!  Send me your favorite Ugly Phase pictures and I'll post the best ones (include a blog link if you want).  If you're going home for Thanksgiving, this is the perfect chance for you to thumb through old photo albums and find that great shot that encompasses everything Ugly Phase: buck teeth, bad glasses, terrible hair, awful clothes, weight gain, weight loss, and the classic Ugly Phase expression that says, "I have no idea how bad I look or I'd never let my picture be taken."

Now go find your photos and send them to me by next Tuesday!