City Wendy

Oh, and Ice Cream!

Things I Will Most Likely Eat in Missouri Next Week:

• Fried Chicken
• Biscuits & Gravy
• A hot dog at the Cardinals game
• Some sort of Entenmann's baked goods
• Gooey butter cake, maybe?
• I hope so!
• Probably Grandma's scrambled eggs
• And maybe her chicken salad
• Beer
• A Denver Omelet
• Corn on the cob
• Mashed potatoes
• I'm aiming to have them at every meal!
• Wow, for a second I couldn't remember if there was an 'e' in potatoes or not
• I kept staring at the way it was typed with an 'e' and thinking, "Is that really right?"
• God, I'm not even there yet and already I'm starting to think like a Republican
• Bacon

Thirty-Something

I'm 5 months away from turning 32 and I'm starting to really feel like I'm in my 30's finally. I think the first year and a half of your 30's is just practice — you're still transitioning from your 20's when you could drop 10 pounds in two weeks without batting an eye. You coast through 30 with hardly a hitch. "This is easy!" you think, "It's just like being 25, except with more money." And then suddenly you're 31 and a half — it's that extra half that really does it, so don't think you're safe just because you've reached 31 and nothing is different. No, suddenly you're 31 and half and your whole world has changed. For example:

1. You can hide a roll of mentos under your boobs when you take your bra off
2. The water weight you've always gained during "that time of the month" doesn't go away when that time is over. It stays around and the next month it's just added to the new water weight you gain until you realize that maybe it isn't actually water weight, after all, and before you have time to acknowledge that maybe you've actually ten pounds in the last 6 months and ought to do something about it, you split your favorite pair of jeans with the bulging expanse of your fleshier thighs. This may or may not have happened to me over the weekend.
3. Two words: grey hair
4. One word: ma'am. Get used to it because you're going to hear it every goddamn you place you go whether you like it or not, and chances are you love it about as much as wearing tight underwear, which is another thing you'll have to get used to because:
5. Large panties from Victoria's Secret have suddenly gotten smaller. I don't know if they've changed their sizes recently or what but there's no longer enough fabric to fully cover my cheeks and that's really annoying.
6. Also annoying? Suddenly little bulges of pudge over my waistbands on my back left and right side. I don't want to talk about it!!!
7. Last night I was crossing the street and saw a mother walking with her teenage daughter who was dressed in a very inappropriately short skirt and rather than think to myself "I'd never dress like that," I thought instead, "I'd never let a daughter of mine leave the house dressed like that."
8. I'm not even thinking like a person anymore! I'm thinking like a mom.
9. To that point, the other day I was on the subway and this sorta cute boy was checking me out. He couldn't have been a day over 23, so I thought, "Huh, I still got it," before I realized that in his eyes, I was probably a MILF.
10. Maybe you've recently gotten a new ID, because maybe you've just moved to a new city, like, I don't know, New York. So you kind of want to show it off because it's been years since your ID said anything other than "Midwesterner" in corn-on-the-cob lettering stamped across the top. So when you go to a bar with some new friends, you pull it out to show the door guy and without missing a beat, he takes one looks at you, waves away your ID, winks at you and says, "That's okay."

Hey all you 30-year-olds, this your future. And I didn't even mention the wrinkles...

Rejected Super Tuesday Tag Lines

        Super Tuesday:

1. Now with 50% more beef!
2. Not Your Mamma's Tuesday!
3. It comes after Monday!
4. Show us Your Tits--We'll Give You Some Beads!
5. Pleasure You Want. Protection You Trust!!
6. Do the Tue.
7. Now 100% all Organic.
8. You break it, you buy it!
9. Tastes like the real thing!
10. Make a run for the border.

You look just like...

Celebrities I've been told I resemble:

Lauren Ambrose
Shelly Duvall (hmm...not my favorite comparison)
a young Mia Farrow
Michelle Williams (I wish)
Pat Benatar (really??)
Rebecca De Mornay
Alicia Witt
Jessica Alba (wha??)

...which makes sense because they all look so much alike...

Which celebrities are you always compared to?

Writers Strike Could Mean Slew of New Reality Shows

Unless contract agreements can be met, the Writers Guild strike will start after midnight tonight. Depending how long the strike lasts, this could have huge repercussions on TV. Networks will be forced to go into re-runs and even schedule and create nothing but reality TV, which doesn't require much writing. Network heads have already been meeting to discuss concepts and possible titles for reality spin-offs of their most popular shows.

Possible titles for these reality spin-offs include:

• Gays' Anatomy
• Cooking with the Desperate Housewives
• Big Brother(s and Sisters)
• Dirty, Sexy Runway
• Extreme Makeover: Heroes Edition
• The Biggest Ugly Betty
• Last Caveman Standing
• Two and a Half Bachelors
• America's Got Criminal Minds
• Queer Eye for the CSI

Thirties Take the Cake

In comments for the NaNoBloMyWhat post, Natalee suggested I write about which I like better, my 20's or my 30's and so, in honor of all who have recently reached--or are about to reach--the 30-year milestone, a list:

Things I like so much better in my 30's:

• My taste in guys. I met Drew 4 months before my 30th birthday and he may very well be the first guy I've ever dated who wasn't one of the following: not into me, a big douchebag, boring, not ready for a relationship. Or, a BIG DOUCHEBAG (there seemed to be a lot of those in my 20's).
• My hair! Ever since I cut all my hair off 2 days before my 30th birthday, I've liked it so much more than any style during my 20's. I'm currently wearing it sort of flapper girl-ish and I love it. Take that, mullet of my 20's.
• My wardrobe. Three words: No More Overalls.
• My friendships. Most of them may be in a different city now, but I know I can call my friends day or night and they'll listen to my squeals of excitement, my tears of sadness, and all the ups and downs in between without once putting the phone down to go heat up a microwave burrito. Plus, we can play text message drinking games through The Bachelor and get totally drunk guzzling beer every time someone says, "Connection," "Amazing," or "Here for the right reasons."
• My future. Everything looks a little brighter on this side of 30. At the moment I may be in between jobs, but I still know that eventually I'll find something that fits my skills and talents, mostly because I actually know now what my skills and talents are. (Besides text messaging drinking games through The Bachelor, of course). Plus, see point #1: I'm in a great relationship now. I know it's moving in a good direction. This makes me excited about the future. And this all probably has something to do with not wearing anymore overalls anymore, so see how it's all connected??
• My Bod. Well, sure, maybe my boobs aren't as perky as they were at 20, but after making my health a top priority (you know, after the hair and all), committing to regular exercise, and restricting pig-out sessions to about once a month--well, okay, maybe 3 times a month--I am in better shape now than I was through most of my 20's. And since I'm not wearing those overalls anymore, you can actually tell!
• Four words: H. D. T. V. Sure, maybe it doesn't belong to me, exactly, but my boyfriend's got one and I'm staying with him, and Oh my God, David Duchovny in high def? So much better than anything my 20's may have delivered.
• My tool collection. Both, in the literal and metaphorical sense, I have a lot more tools to wield in this decade than I did in the last one. So watch out, world!

Things that were better in my 20's:

• My skin. But let's not focus on that, M'kay?

Enough about me, what do you like about your decade??

What You Can Learn About Me

Real Google Text Ads Appearing in the Most Recent Five Emails of my In-Box:

Bunn My Cafe Pod Brewer

Harvard Podcast Lectures

Are You A Slacker Mom?

Are You Johnny Depp?

Lobster Anniversary Gift

The Original Poop Moose

Silly Sandals

This is Scary Accurate

...Of all of the text ads, the one that seems most relevant to my life is the "Are You Johnny Depp" link, because, yeah, I totally might be, you know?

Plane Crazy

Britney Spears flew off the handle over the weekend when she demanded to be let off a plane bound for Miami because it didn't have leather seats. This got me thinking about all the things that have disturbed me about planes I've been on and though they certainly aren't anywhere near as terrible as not having leather seats, they might be worth mentioning for the hell of it, anyway:

• Champagne glasses not crystal-y enough
• Caviar didn't seem "fresh"
• Movies on-demand were two months old!!
• Toilet seat in lavatory made of 14 K gold instead of 24 K!
• Pillows not fluffy enough....perhaps made of duck feathers instead of goose?
• Speaking of duck, the duck dinner was too crispy! Not enough juice, if ya know whaddamean.
• Dark chocolate, but no milk chocolate. And where was the Lindt? Not everyone loves Cadbury.
• Massuese missed a couple knots in my back. No tip!!
• Where was the flight hair stylist? I can't be expected to do my own hair, ya know.
• Nailist did not have my favorite color: "honeymoon suite."
• I mean, God!!
• Half of the Sudoku puzzle in my in-flight magazine was already filled out
• but, thankfully, the Mensa quiz was still blank
• Mensa quiz was too hard!!!
• Mini booze bottle TOO mini
• Not enough peanuts

Happy Adminstrative Professional Day!!!!

Today is Administrative Professional Day, which used to be called 'Administrative Assistant's Day' and prior to that was simply called 'Secretary's Day.' Other titles the prestigious American Committee of Day-Naming (ACDN) rejected before settling on the politically correct 'Administrative Professional Day,' include:

Overworked and Underpaid Day
Office Eye Candy Day
Typist and CoffeeMaker Day
Chick Who Sits in a Cubicle and IMs Her Friends all Day Day
Ann Taylor Shopper's Day
George Clooney Fan Club Day
Waiting for a Sugar Daddy and/or Baby So They Can Finally Quit Their Lame Jobs and Stay Home Day

"How to Know You've Really 'Made it' as a Blogger" or, "How to Know When You've Achieved Internet Celebrity"

• When you call the airlines to make reservations (to fly to SXSW or Blogher, duh), they automatically put you in first class even if you don't have enough miles for that
• Designers all want you to wear their clothes
• Suddenly you have a million long-lost "cousins" emailing and calling all the time and wondering if you'll be "at Easter"
• Your ex's are selling your sexploits to Star
• John Stamos' assistant gets in touch with your assistant to set up a date
• at The Ivy!
• Scarlett Johansson is dating your ex-boyfriend
• that tramp
• You have to hire a third assistant to monitor your comments and reply to your emails
• Ralph Lauren offers to paint your new house
• if you agree to let him dress you for the Bloggies
• You tell him you'll have to think about it
• You hire Fran Drescher's publicist
• You're invited to be a guest judge on American Idol
• Paris Hilton's diatribe where she calls you a "skank" and says you have crabs has been downloaded on YouTube over 2 million times
• You're on the tabloids' "bump watch" list for 2007
• You're linked to Jake Gyllenhaal and Topher Grace
• The Scientologists invite you to a mixer
• ABC wants you to be the next Bachelorette
• and WalMart has expressed interest in advertising on your site