City Wendy

Is it the Blonde Hair?

According to this article on MSN's Hot Gossip (which is always right), in recent weeks Kirsten Dunst has been on dates with Adam Brody (pretty hot), Adrian Grenier (very hot!), and Fabrizio Moretti (SUPER HOT!!). And let us not forget her two-plus year relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal (OMG, hot, hot, hot!!! I am so jealous!!).

So, what gives?? What am I missing? Okay, she's cute enough--I guess--in a homecoming court sort of way, but she's no Angelina, or ScarJo, or even Jessica Biel, and she doesn't particularly seem whip-smart or really funny or clever or any of the things I think men should care about.

Is it possible I am just a big dope who hasn't a clue what gets a guy going? Is Kirsten really an It Girl? And if so, what exactly is it that she has? If someone could please explain, I'd be ever so grateful. Thanks.

In honor of the Vagina

Everyone's jumping down the throats of Lindsay and Paris and now Britney for showing off their vaginas for the whole world to see.  But!  I think we need to cut these ladies some slack!  There are many, many appropriate reasons one would forgo panties while wearing a short, short shirt, such as:

• no clean panties in the panties drawer
• maybe there was a "little accident" on the way from the Chateau Marmont to Hyde, if you know what I mean
• panties didn't match outfit
• simply forgot
• triple-dog-dared by the Olsen twins
• needed to air things out a little
• yeast infection
• panties accidently fell off during the electric slide
• Oprah said to
• had to take panties off because the lace was itchy
• they're doing it in Europe

Advice letter from Mel to Michael

Just a reminder note before you take off for Thanksgiving: I need your ugly phases!  So, go through the old photo albums when you're home and find that perfect shot that encompasses everything Ugly Phase and then send it to me!  I'll post them next week with a link to your site if you'd like.  Or, you know, we can keep it anonymous so no one has to know that geek in the Mickey Mouse sweatshirt and stirrup pants is you.

Also, I have all this great advice to share and no one writing in to receive it.  Seriously, I know you all are a bunch of train wrecks like I am, so fess up, write to me, and ask me to tell you how to fix your life.  I mean, come on, time's a wasting.

Now, speaking of advice, I happened to have intercepted the following email from Mel Gibson to Michael Richards:

Dear Michael,

First, I think I owe you a hearty 'thank you.'  It's tough out there for a white man, and what with your remarks the other night during your stand-up routine, I think you might have taken some of the heat off me a little, and for that I thank you, my brother. 

If anyone knows what you're going through right now, it's me. You think you've committed career suicide, your life is over, I know.  But, listen man, I want you to repeat after me: "I'm white, I'm powerful, and my Christian God loves me!"  Even if the public won't forgive, even if the Jews and the Afro-Americans can't see past our mistakes, Jesus Christ still has love in his heart for the White Anglo Man, Jesus Christ knows what's up, and as long as you have Christ's love, you are saved, my brother.

But you want to save your career and I understand that, I do.  Luckily, you can!  Luckily, there's Oprah. 

What you need to do, Michael, what you need to do is send Oprah a fruit basket and enclose a note that says you are a drunk and that is why you called 'the blacks' the 'n' word and you are deeply sorry and also you regret saying that part about sticking a fork up their asses fifty years ago.  Oprah's pretty cool and if you send her a real nice fruit basket, I think she'll appreciate it.  Give her a week, and then follow up with a bouquet of flowers -- roses, maybe, or some calla lillies.  I think the Afro-Americans like the calla lillies.  You'll want to enclose another note.  This one should say that you are seeking help for your alcoholism and also, you're deeply sorry for your racist remarks.  If you throw in something about how you hate yourself, that'd be helpful to, my brother -- maybe she'll even let you come on her show and if she does, you'll want to look real sorrowful and pathetic, trust me.

The Jews have rabbis who I have been reaching out to, and the Afro-Americans have Oprah, so you know what you need to do.  Fruit basket, my brother, a fruit basket!

Yours in Christ's love,

Mel

Wedding Note to Tom from Katie

Dear Tom,

Tomorrow is the amazing day, so, of course, we'll spend tonight apart and I won't see you again until I'm in my amazing wedding gown, walking down the amazing aisle.  I think you're amazing.

It feels like only yesterday your people got in touch with my people and we began this amazing love affair.  It is a love affair, isn't it Tom?  I love the money and pretty dresses and you love the attention, it's all so remarkable and I am very, very happy, this is amazing.

I think it's amazing of you for letting me invite Brooke Shields to the wedding, and also my parents, you are so gracious and remarkable.  I wish Oprah could have made the list, but I guess you're still mad at her or something.  Why are you mad at her again?  I mean, she's kind of amazing.  Well, I'm sure you have some really remarkable reason -- you always do, you're so amazingly smart.  And intelligent.

I'm really looking forward to being Katie Kate Cruise for the next five years.  And even when the contract is up, I have a feeling we'll continue being amazing friends.  Well, we'll have to be, really, since we'll be "parents" to "Suri," tee hee.  (By the way, we should get new pictures made soon, don't you think?).

Well, I guess I better close now -- I have to go "feed" "Suri" and also, I need my beauty rest before our big day -- the day we become husband and beard. Wife.  Husband and wife!

Amazingly Yours,

Katie Kate

The Reason Why

Dear Kevin,

I know you probably think it was all the partying you did, or your rap "career," or the the cornrows, or the trucker hats that are so 2004, or the way you, like, totally neglected me during both my pregnancies with our sons, but it's none of those things, Kevin.  I think you're a really awesome rap singer and you look good in trucker hats and oversized medallions, and, you know, after you left Shar when she was pregnant, I honestly wasn't expecting much in the way of prenatal support from you.  And, anyway, your partying has always been, like, so hard and all, but as long as your kept the marijuana away from Sean Preston and that other baby, I never really cared that much...just as long as you kept wearing those hot hats.

I really started having doubts back when Matt Lauer from the news came to the house to talk with me about our marriage and life and my comeback and stuff like that and when I spent all day picking out an outfit that would make me look sweet and cute and I asked you if I looked good and if my make-up was subtle enough to make me look maternal and southern, but dramatic enough to make me look pretty, you said I looked hot, and since you are my husband and my babies' daddy, I believed you!  And then I saw the interview on TV, and it was just like that time you said I didn't need to put my flip-flops on to use the gas station bathroom, that it was an American gas station and not some Mexican joint or some place in that Iraqian country and that I should be proud to put my naked feet anywhere in this country and I believed you and then I saw my picture in all those tabloid magazines and everyone said I looked like White Trash, and Kevin, I just cannot have you hurting my image like that, I just can't!!

I guess the final camel was last month when you brought a bag of Doritos home from Wal-mart after I specifically told you no doritos!  You know how hard I have been working to take off the baby weight and the marriage weight and to look good again like I did when I was with Justin and we were Prom Queen and King.  After I did Will and Grace last Spring I knew I had a comeback in me, but then I got real pregnant and ate too many doritos and got fat again and I didn't know when I'd be able to stage my big comeback.  But then that other baby who isn't a girl was born and I had this epifiny in the hospital, Kevin.  I think that's what it's called--an epifiny. When you suddenly have a realization that your life doesn't have to suck so bad?  Well, I realized I had a choice.  I could keep sitting at home eating doritos and feeling sorry for myself, or I could stop eating doritos and have a big comeback!!

And everything was going fine, Kevin.  Everything was going better than fine, actually.  The weight was falling off and I was looking hot again!  There was even some talk about adopting a baby from Indo-Camboqui...or one of them other african countries where you can get the babies, but you had to go and ruin it all!  You brought home that bag of doritos and it was like this simile for everything wrong in our marriage, you know?  And so I had this epifiny that this could not go on anymore and so I filed for divorce.

It's not cuz I don't love you, baby, cuz I do. But, I finally got to say, " I love me, too!"  You know?  You'll always be my babies' daddy, though.

Love,

Brit

Love Letter to Tara Reid

Dear Tara Reid,

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing the story of your struggle, depression, and medical foul play.  As someone who has suffered through the trials and tribulations of a bad haircut, I can tell you that I understand the emotional and physical scars that a botched beauty job can leave behind.  Life just isn't the same afterwards.  You're constantly wondering if people are staring, if they notice, if your shirt will fall off and expose your wayward nipple, I know!

When I got my bothced haircut, I cried for days.  Life didn't seem livable anymore.  I had to quit working, I couldn't wear a bikini anymore, no one wanted to ask me out.

I should have done my research.  I should have made sure my stylist was board certified!  Do you know that anyone can cut hair??  You don't actually have to be a licensed stylist in the state of Illinois to cut someone's hair!  I didn't know that, but now I do.  I hope others can learn from our mistakes.

You have taught me that it is possible to find joy and happiness after a massive botched beauty job.  Just when I thought my life was spiraling out of control and that I'd never see the light again, I see your shiny, happy face on the cover on US Weekly and on the Today Show, and then this morning as co-host of my favorite show, The View, reminding everyone that there IS life again.  Tara, you are an inspiration!  After everything you've been through--the public humilation that wasn't your fault at all and the loss of income and the deterioration of your image and reputation--you've pulled yourself together and are now starring in the first full-length straight-to-internet horror movie, which I know will be a smash hit and will catapult your star higher and faster than any other actress alive today including Jennifer Aniston and also Tori Spelling!!

Thanks for coming public with your story, Tara.  I know so many more people will do their research now before they get boob jobs and haircuts and fake tans and manicures.  Bad things can happen to people!  But they don't have to.  And if they do, why, you're living proof that life can AND DOES go on.  Thank you for your strength of character.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Tara Reid.

Your fan,

Wendy