City Wendy

Bar Rules

Dear Wendy,

Tonight I went to my favorite Old Germany Bar down the road from my apartment. Our friends & I go there regularly for meals & beer & I'm always the driver so I always order 1 hard apple cider and then don't drink for the rest of the night (usually about 4 hours) so I don't potentially damage my car which I like & don't want to hurt by driving the least bit drunk. Tonight I decided to get food & a drink to go so I asked for 2 hamburgers & a root beer. The owner was like "We are out of root beer, I'll grab you a cider".... except I had ordered "to go." I made a little bottle capping motion and he returned and placed the cider in front of me lid on.  When he came over and gave me the check he was like "Oh where is the cider bottle?" I said I drank it. He then proceeded to demand to see the bottle and went on to be a total ass like saying "Oh I think your lying." (which I was...) and continuing to argue with me over the exact location of the bottle.Shouldn't a bar you go to frequently let you take home a bottle of apple cider? Can I even return to this bar again? I thought we had an agreement when he offered to substitute my root beer with the cider? The cider came with the cap on! And he forgot the pickles on the burger.

Thank you!

- Molly

Dear Molly,

If you don't want a nazi bartender, don't go to a German bar.

To butt in or not to butt in

Hey Wendy,

Last year, I had something like a little fling with a close friends I graduated with from high school last year- it didn't work out (I never believed it would and I am completely fine with that). So, we are still "friends", although I decided to go to the States for one year (I'm originally from Europe and I will stay till July in the States).

Before I came here, he got together with a girl I didn't really like. We really didn't get along with each other - we were bitchy and had subliminal arguments (not about the boy, we simply didn't like each other, I guess). After a while, I discovered that we seemed to have some striking things in common - it was kind of creepy at first. The thing was that we did the same things in our lives, with the slight difference that she failed and I was successful (we both had maths and education as a major(very rare), she failed; She wanted to be a babysitter in the States as well but came back after 2 weeks..). I came here a short time after she returned and I began to forget her (it's not that I was really interested in her - why should I?)

Accidentally, I discovered a website she made like 2 years ago. On this page she appeared to reveal a lot of her personality; She wrote about her struggle with anorexia, her totally fucked up relationship with her parents (not the usual teenage-rebellion-stuff, I promise),her hate towards herself, her self-destroying behavior (she cut her wrists and stuff) and her hopelessness (additionally, her nickname on this site was my real name, only one letter was different..). I know that this was once upon a time, but a mutual friend ensured me that she still doesn't know what to do with her life and is still quite depressed (she's currently stuck in a crappy job and not planning on going to study, even if she could...). Now I am really starting to feel a connection between us (I had a rough childhood/youth as well - not the usual stuff....not important here what actually happened to me...) and I would like to apologize for my behavior last summer and I would like to tell her that she's not alone and that she can achieve everything life offers, if she really wants to (I did so far..) and if she comes out of this phase and gets a more positive attitude towards life..... However, I don't know if I'm the right person for that - she certainly does not like me (she is still with my ex-something) and an email with "Hey I understand you, blah, blah, blah PS: I've been in the States for 9 months now " is not the motivation she needs...I don't know, it is very important to me, though...What do you think Wendy? What would you do (please help me out with some maturity!)?

Greetz, E.

Dear E.,

If this girl is really as lost and messed up as you suspect she is, what do you think will make her feel better: getting a note from her boyfriend's ex-gf saying, "I'm a success at everything you've failed at, but don't worry, I can help--I understand you," or having her toenails pulled out one by one with a pair of unsanitized tweezers? If you answered 'unsanitized tweezers," you are correct.

Leave this alone, E, and just focus on yourself and being a friend to people who actually like you and aren't dating your ex-flings. It's not your place to butt in, even if you do think you can save her.

Fashion Forward

Dear Wendy,

I know your advice columns tend to lean towards 'what should I do with my life?' topics, hopefully my needs aren't too superficial. I need fashion advice. I grew up in a fairly conservative family and around lots of boys. Saying I was a tomboy would be a gross understatement of the facts. In high school and college I was always 'one of the guys'. I never really put much thought into what made me feel feminine or sexy or learned how to understand what clothes accentuate my natural body lines and make me feel confident. I'm not a fashion emergency, I'm just a fashion bore. My casual uniform tends to be jeans and some funny t-shirt from Busted-Tees or Threadless. I can dress up for special occassions and I know how to dress appropriately for work but recently I've felt that I'm not really effectively projecting the person I believe I am.

The problem is, I feel like some kind of remedial kid when it comes to every day fashion.  I can't seem to find clothes that accentuate my body lines. Is there a way to have more work appropriate clothes that are sexy without looking like the office tramp? How do I know if I'm afraid to wear more revealing clothes because they actually are trashy or because my parent's have ingrained some strange cover up mentality? How do I shake that? How can I do all this without busting my budget into the next galaxy? Can you help me?

--Stressed and Undressed

Dear Stressed and Undressed,

I also grew up in a fairly conservative home and though I wasn't much of a tomboy, I had a mother who  laid out my clothes for me until I started high school and even then she would conduct a "bend-over" test before I was allowed to leave the house (I'd bend over and if my pants or skirt tightened at all across my ass, I'd have to change), so I know a little bit about fashion oppression. And while I'm certainly no fashionista, I think at 30 I know what kinds of clothes accentuate my figure, express my personality, reflect my mood, and stay within my budget. The way I got here is by taking a few risks, shopping with friends, flipping through style magazines, and occasionally stepping outside my comfort zone and trying something new.

Most wardrobes can be broken down in three main categories: work, casual, and going-out. Each main category should have a few staples and sometimes these staples can overlap. For example, a pair of designer jeans (I recommend Seven for Mankind because they look great on almost every ass) can be paired with a great blazer--a staple in the work category-- and  either  one of your threadless shirts and a pair of Pumas from your casual category for drinks and dinner out with the girls, or a low-cut top with a sequined neckline and a pair of sexy heels from your going-out collection for a hot date.

I wish there was some magical way I could tell you about to make sure you don't dress like a tramp to work or look like a moron as your experiment with finding the right fashion choices for yourself, but there just really isn't a tried and true way to avoid mistakes. When it comes to work, I recommend erring on the side of caution. If you think a skirt is too shirt or a shirt too low-cut, either don't risk wearing them to the office, or pair them with thick tights, boots, and a professional jacket. Take your friends shopping and ask for their opinions -- if they're true friends they'll tell you when they think something is unflattering on you or not appropriate for certain occasions. And don't be afraid to ask the salespeople for advice--that's part of their job--and you could even ask other shoppers! If you see someone in the dressing room standing in front of the mirror trying on a dress, you can say, "That looks really good on you." and then "Do you think these jeans look okay on me?" I've found that strangers in the store are often the most honest because they don't have anything to lose

As for not blowing your whole budget, I can't recommend bargain stores enough--places like H&M, Filenes Basement, and even Target are excellent sources for experimental pieces and inexpensive trendy, seasonal items. I also love DSW for shoes, and of course, you can't beat the Internet for finding the best prices. Sites like Bluefly and etsy are great for finding top designer items and unique pieces at great prices. For more specific recommendations, I'll point you to our clothes and accessories categories on Awesome, as well as this column where I advised a woman how to dress like a hot, professional 35-year-old woman.

And as far as the bend-over test goes--I still conduct it to this day, only now when I bend over and a skirt or pair of pant doesn't tighten a little over my ass, it fails!

If you have a question you think I can help answer, send it in--I'll try to post it within a week.

Quarterlife Crisis

Dear Wendy,

I'm 22, graduated from college last May and at the end of last October I moved to Washington state all the way from Massachusetts just to get away from home and experience something new. So far, my move to the great northwest has definitely not gone as planned. In nearly the 5 months I've been here I've had 2-3 jobs and even combining them I haven't been able to work a full 40 hour week. I also live with my aunt and uncle and cousins. I do my part around the house and I'm baking things and cooking dinner and whatever else they need, but I'm beginning to feel like a mooch.

So I'm torn between staying out here, hoping that the job market picks up or that I land a job in Vegas and can move down there, or for a third option, go back home to MA and stay there while I get my BA in Baking and Pastry Arts from the CIA. I don't exactly want to go back home so that's why I'm thinking about putting myself further into debt and going back to school. Home isn't a bad place, I do miss it, but I know that I don't want to end up like some of my relatives and high school friends when all you do is work hard at a mediocre job during the week and drink harder on the weekends. I know there's more to life to than hay fields, sawmills and big trucks. On the other hand, if I just wait for things to work out in WA, I don't think being here will be any different than if I stayed in my podunk town back home. Here I've made friends and when we get together it's to hunt, go mudding or shoot the shit.

I love the country side of me and most of time that's what I think makes me unique as an aspiring Pastry Chef who'd love to land that amazing baking job at a high-end resort or restaurant. I think growing up the way I did makes me a good competitor for the industry. As much as I'd like to go back to school to get my degree, I don't want to leave WA feeling like I didn't give my move a fair chance. My uncle likes to make it clear that he thinks I'm wussing out. I am starting to miss New England more than I thought I would though. And to top it all off, I've met a cute hunter guy out here, we've gotten to know each other pretty well and I would like to find out if there could be more between us, but I can't base my decision to stay here on a non-existent relationship. He's a smart-ass like me and he knows about cooking, even if he did learn it from the Food Network. Anyways, I've gone over the scenarios a million times and everyone is probably sick of listening to my never ending babble. So, whaddya think?

Wicked Indecisive Girl

Dear WIG,

What you're going through is called the Quarterlife Crisis, and it's a really natural response to transitioning from adoloscence to adulthood. It's unique to 20-somethings today as opposed to say the days when your parents, aunts and uncles were in their 20's, because it takes longer for people to reach the traditional markers of adulthood now--financial independence, a career path, marriage and family. Essentially, the current generation coming of age is re-defining adulthood--those old traditional markers no longer fit--society has drastically changed in the last couple of decades and so 20-somethings today are really struggling to find their identity in a world that is so generationally split on its idea of adulthood.

The tension between what you want and where you are in life vs. where your parents' generation thinks you should be can very quickly add to the general anxiety you're already feeling in your long transition into adulthood. That said, if you already have strong career aspirations--to be a pastry chef--you're ahead of the curve. It's not uncommon for people to spin their wheels until their 30s (and even beyond!) trying to figure out what to do with their lives. It sounds to me like you're torn between going to school and pursing your dream and staying where you are now and seeing if you can "make it work." What exactly you're trying to make work in your current situation, I'm not sure. If you think you'd like to just take some time off from pursuing a degree and career while just "experiencing life" and having a good time, that's one thing. But if you're feeling pressure from your family to pursue the kind of lives they've lead, then that's just stupid. You've already said their lives don't interest you, so why would you want to invest your time and energy into starting a similar path?

One thing I'm a little confused about is your statment "I don't exactly want to go back home so that's why I'm thinking about putting myself further into debt and going back to school." Is that the reason you'd go back to school, or do you want to go back to school because you really want to be a pasty chef and know you need the training and degree to land your dream job? There's nothing wrong with accruing a little debt if it means pursuing the career path you really want, but I think the worst thing you can do is escape reality in an expensive degree program without any sense of direction or career plan. So if your main reason for going back to school really is because you don't know what else to do with yourself, DON'T GO!! For god's sake, if you need something to do with yourself, then yes, keep dating the cute boy, continue hunting, mudding (what the hell is that, anyway??) and shooting the shit with your new friends, see what else WA--or even Vegas--has to offer you and just enjoy being young for awhile and ignore the self-imposed or family-imposed or society-imposed pressure to hurry and grow up. You're the one who's going to be stuck paying those student loan debts, so make sure you'd be going back to school for the right reason. If you're feeling very serious about pursing a career as a pasty chef and you're antsy to get that started, then you've found your right reason for going back to school. And guess what! You don't have to go home to attend school--their are wonderful culinary institutes all over the country--all over the world! You can find some place new to you and nurture your immediate need for adventure while investing in your future all at the same time!

And you know what else? There are cute guys everywhere, too--not just in Washington! And I have a hunch--it's just a hunch--that you might even meet one in culinary school who's also into cooking.

Readers, what do you think? Anyone else go through the Quarterlife Crisis? What did you do to successfuly make it through?

And, as always, if you have an issue you'd like advice on, shoot me an email and I'll do my best to help out.

Money Doesn't Buy Happiness

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a few years your junior and I'm currently a first officer flying for a major European airline. This job has awarded me with certain financial benefits that help me maintain an above average lifestyle. In a few months time I shall be married to a woman for which my affection is too intricate to write down on paper.

I am not happy. I do not know why. I cannot imagine what more I'd want. But when I wake up in the morning I cannot force a smile. It disgusts me especially because I know that god has blessed me in so many ways, deprived me of certain material and social problems. But I cannot be happy.

Miss Wendy, how does one find happiness when one has the building blocks but not the knowledge to put them together?

Yours,

Parsisian Pilot

Dear Parisian Pilot,

There were a few of things that really struck me about your letter. The first is your reference to your "above average lifestyle" followed two lines later by your confession that you aren't happy. If happiness isn't part of your lifestyle, how can you call it "above average"? The second thing that really struck me about your letter is the way you say that God "deprived" you of certain material and social problems. Perhaps English is a second language for you and that is part of the semantics issue here, but I wonder if "deprived" might be exactly what you mean--that you feel you actually missed out on something by not having the same financial challenges as others in your age bracket.

As much as I hate to admit it, I've been broke most of my adult life and despite the stress of money woes and sometimes wondering how I'd pay my bills on time, there are certain "building blocks" one earns when struggling with money. For one thing, you learn to be creative--how to design on a budget, throw parties on the cheap, make a fabulous dinner with the random things in your fridge when you don't have enough money to eat out or properly stock your kitchen. And by necessity, you're forced to find the things that make you happy at little or no cost--a used bike and the expanse of a lakefront on a sunny day, an afternoon in a coffee shop or at the park with favorite library book, or a a rental flick, a slice of pizza, and a 6-pack of PBR.

The other curious word choice in your letter is how you characterize your affection for your fiance as "intricate." Is that intricate good or intricate bad? Maybe it's a little of both. But regardless what your feelings are for her, I urge you not to marry anyone until you've invested time in yourself first--learning what hobbies and interests make you happy, because if you can't make yourself happy, it's nearly impossible to make someone else happy. And I suspect there may be deeper issues in the relationship that need to be addressed before you promise your lives to each other.

Finally, the most troubling part of your letter is what I read between the lines--this under-current of self-loathing--how you "disgust" yourself with your inability to even smile despite your financial success. Maybe you grew up privileged, maybe you got a first-rate education, and never wanted for much in the way of material goods, but that doesn't mean your life has been easy and it doesn't mean you don't deserve to feel happy or proud of your accomplishments. Since you do have a healthy cash flow, why don't you invest in a good therapist who can help you address some of these issues?

Take one year before you get married or make any big life change. Find a therapist, take some classes, make a list of activities you genuinely enjoy and make it a point to spend time pursuing at least one every single week. One or two days a month live like a pauper--from morning til night spend as little money as you can while having as much fun as possible. Go on a walking tour of your city--take a camera out with you and give yourself the challenge of photographing everything yellow you find. Find an ice cream parlor and try a new flavor. If you don't have a bike, rent one for an hour or two and go for a ride. Make a picnic and take your fiance to a park for the afternoon. Spend a day with a kid--throw water balloons, make finger paintings,  create a shadow puppet show. And finally, volunteer your time for a cause or organization that means something to you. When I was fighting depression a few years ago, I started volunteering at a no-kill cat shelter in my neighborhood. Giving my time without any financial reward made me focus on the other--more important--rewards I was getting in return. Spending time with the animals did wonders for my soul and after two years there, I even found a cat so special I had to take him home with me.

So get out there, Parisian Pilot, and start feeding your soul--it's the only way to find real happiness. Oh, and can I borrow a few bucks?


Do you have an issue you need help with? Drop me a line and I'll give you my best advice.

Dear Wendy: Is it love or not?

Hi Wendy.

How important do you think chemistry is? Do you know immediately in your gut 15 minutes into talking with a person, or does it appear in the form of endless conversations into the night, even if you never feel the butterflies? Or are you going to tell me to stop watching romance movies?

I am a little confused, you see, because I'm a month away from turning 23, and have never been kissed or been in a relationship.  But I'm quite sure my head's screwed on right, and I've enjoyed being single.  There are, of course, some nights when I really need a someone nearby.  Recently I met this guy, N, and have been dating him for a month now.  He showers me with great affection and we have great conversations, but still, no butterflies.  Not much beyond that once or twice, when I thought, well,  I could really see myself with him. 

Friends have told me to give it a try, saying that sometimes chemistry needs to be built.  Doesn't that sound a little forced? When do you know to stop trying?  We are currently into a bout of silence,  because he has since accused me of taking him for granted and not returning his affections the way he wants them to be.  I told him I needed some time, and that I'm figuring out the way to go for this.  And that if he thinks it's a waste of time to stick around, then maybe we have our answer.  Is dating supposed to be so hard? I was happier when I wasn't!

Tired

Dear Tired,

Allow me to paraphrase a friend of mine: "Dating sucks until is doesn't suck anymore. " And when it doesn't suck anymore is when you know you're with the right person! Does that mean that you're with the wrong person when it does suck? Well, not necessarily, but I will say that if it's already sucking in the first year, let alone the first month, then chances are you aren't with the right person. Or it's not the right time.  But regardless, if you aren't happy and you haven't even hit 3 months yet, get out!!

So, what about chemistry, you ask? Maybe you haven't given enough time for the chemistry to develop? I have mixed thoughts on the idea of chemistry and its importance in a relationship. On one hand, I do believe that attraction can develop over time--the person you may not have found really hot at first meeting can grow on you as you learn more about him, see his kindness, his sense of humor, how much fun you have together. But, I think that's a little bit different than chemistry and that if there isn't that elusive thing right from the get-go that draws you into his circle and makes you want to stick around and see if something develops, than there just isn't any chemistry...and it won't develop over time. You might grow very fond of the person, but you can grow fond of a pet or a teacher or a boss or a neighbor, and that doesn't mean you should date.

The fact that you don't feel chemistry with this guy--and maybe haven't ever felt it at all for anyone in your 23 years--isn't the end of the world.  It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or that you'll never have a happy, healthy relationship! What I suspect, rather, is that you're sign isn't on--that sign that says you are available and intersted in having a relationship. We all have this invisible sign floating above our heads that, when turned on, create this magnetic aura around us, which makes us attractive to others at the same time as making others attractive to us.  Have you ever heard about people who go ages without a date and then the minute they find someone they like, other potential suitors come crawling out of the woodwork? That's because the sign's been turned on, the aura lit, the magnetic field expanded.

I can't tell you exactly what turns the sign on--it's different for everyone. But you're right that it's something that can't be forced.  It happens intuitively, sometimes when we least expect it, when we're eating Sunday brunch with friends and we've just bought a new sweater and the sun is shining for the first time in a week and we've just signed up for a new yoga class, and just like that the switch is flipped.  So go live your life -- have fun with your friends, don't worry so much about finding someone to date.  It will happen when the time is right...whether you're waiting for it or not.

Dear Wendy,

My boyfriend and I have been officially a couple for a couple of months, but we've had something that looks like a relationship for at least 6 months.  I absolutely adore him and I know that he feels... something, though we've never really had a talk about how we feel feel.  I don't especially have a problem with this because it still feels like a fresh relationship.  My problem is comparing our relationship to other couples around us.  It's a horrible habit that only serves to make me feel bad about our relationship. You see,  my boyfriend is a little different.  He's very ADD and this affects his behavior.  Sometimes he's very cranky and difficult to talk to because he appears stand-offish. We rarely spend time together during the week (we're both in a master's degree program,  so basically we don't spend time together on "school nights." ) Often times after class he'll leave without saying anything to me.  I could deal with all of this if I didn't have all of our coupled up friends around us to compare our relationship to,  and perhaps if I knew how he really felt about me.  I don't even really know what I'm asking, I just need to hear... something.

Thanks,

Grass is Greener

Dear Grass is Greener,

I think what you're asking is, "What are this guy's feelings for me?" You're looking at your coupled friends for the answer, trying to find some bit of similarity, or something that might help shed some light on your own relationship, when the answer is painfully clear.

He doesn't see you during the week, he acts stand-offish with you when he does see you, and he often leaves the class you have together without saying a word to you?? The answer is the guy just isn't into you, but the real question should be: why in the world are you into him??

Readers, what do you think? And if you have an issue you need some advice on, let me know and I'll try to help!

Dear Wendy: Chemical Reactions

Dear Wendy,

This past Saturday I met a guy for coffee.  We had never met before and he found me through an internet personals website.  I know!  Anyway, I had a few people respond to my profile, but no one really captured my interest except David who caught my eye because he was intelligent, cute and has a soft spot for his niece.  His first letter to me was all about how proud he was to be an uncle and full of things that make women like myself (ya know, those women who hear that fucking biological clock) go gooey. We exchanged a couple of witty emails and then decided to meet for coffee. Coffee turned into dinner.  Dinner turned into a movie.  The movie turned into drinks, etc.  Thirteen hours later I was back home.

Here's the issue: I was completely taken with him.  I had that stupid ass movie moment where the leading lady says to her best friend "I just think I met the man I'm going to marry".  However, David admits that he is still hung up on his ex.  He had no idea he still had issues with her until the end of our evening together.  He got quiet and I asked him if he was tired or something.  He spilled his guts (honesty!  so refreshing!) and said all of a sudden he felt like there was a rock in his gut.  He was remembering his ex and dealing with all of these emotions he didn't expect.  He thought he had moved on...but when he literally made the move to move on (i.e. a date with someone else) he felt conflicted.

So, dear Wendy... Should I tell this guy what is going on in my head?  That I think he's great and I had that embarrassing movie moment?  I'm all about being supportive and letting him deal with this and sort things out on his own...but I got a glimpse of something on Saturday that I really didn't think existed.  I'm old enough to know that my innate attraction to him is rare. I'm not sure what you're supposed to be answering here.  Everything is all muck and I live in social exile because of a move and friends just can't help me.  They're biased.  "You're a great catch and blah blah blah..." Maybe I'm just throwing this at you because I have nowhere else to throw it.

Sincerely, Hoping He Feels It Too

Dear Hoping,

I actually had a couple of other letters I wanted to respond to today, but I am putting them on hold until next week so that I can give you some advice IMMEDIATELY before, in your post-date stupor, you do something I'm sure you will regret later. So, listen to me and listen closely: do NOT, I repeat, do NOT tell him you had that embarrassing movie moment in which you imagine telling your best friend you believe you met the man you are going to marry. Because when you were busy envisioning the white dress and picket fence with the charming uncle? He was feeling a rock in his gut. Let that sink in for a minute.

You: Wow, he's really, really great. This is going so well. I think this could be the man I marry. Swoon.
Him: Wow, I suddenly really miss my ex. This dating thing is harder than I thought it would be. I wonder what the ex is up to? Maybe I shouldn't have jumped into the dating pool so soon.
You: He loves his niece! He'd make a great father!
Him: Damn, is that a rock in my gut?

OR, worse yet, it could be something like this:

You: Wow, he's my prince, blah, blah, really great, blah, blah, loves his niece, blah, blah, blah, swoon!
Him: Damn, I've been working this girl for 13 hours -- I've cried, I've spilled my guts, I've shown her pictures of my niece -- is she gonna put out or what? Fuck, maybe she's not. I wonder if that other girl I've been talking with from Match.com will put out sooner? Damn, I think this chick has stars in her eyes for me. I better make up some bullshit about why I really can't start anything serious. There were some other fine ladies on the internet I'd like to get to know.

I know it's easy to get caught up in a fantasy, to imagine ourselves the heroine of a romantic comedy in which girl meets boy, girl likes boy, boy is still emotionally entangled with someone else, girl expresses her feelings and waits patiently for boy to disentangle himself, boy finally comes around and proclaims his love for girl, and a year later they're married with a baby on the way. But reality rarely mirrors cinema and in real life Meg Ryan is a 45-year-old single-mother getting collagen injections, eye-lifts, and still looking for her Mr. Right.

But what if this guy really is the one, and he really does just need a little time to emotionally disentangle himself from his ex-girlfriend? Fine. But do you really want to throw yourself at some guy who still has that kind of baggage? No! Get a hold of yourself! Save the proclamation of your feelings until you know him better, until you're not only sure of yourself, but pretty sure your feelings are reciprocated. At this point, I think the best thing you can do is tell him how much you enjoyed meeting him and thought you felt a connection with him, but if your hunch is right and there is some potential for something more, you'd rather explore that possibility after he's dealt with his lingering feelings for his ex. Then, BACK OFF! You might not hear from him for days or weeks or even months. Maybe never again. But, if he really is right for you, he'll respect your stance and will be even more eager to settle things with the ex and truly move on to see where things might go with you.

In the meantime, remember this most important rule of thumb: always leave the guy wanting more. That means, first dates really shouldn't last 13 hours. Even if he does love his niece.

Readers, what do you think?

Friends or Lovers?

Crossing the line from friendship into romantic partnership can be a messy matter. Read the letters below for examples of some issues that can arise when two people make the leap, and leave a comment if you've got 2 cents.

Dear Wendy,

I've known this girl, M, for a long time now. We were friends in high school and went to the same university and maintained contact as we each went our separate ways in life. Once in college she told me she'd had a crush on me since high school but I was dating someone at the time and couldn't really do anything about it. Nothing had ever happened between us (not even a drunken kiss). Years past and I figured she had moved on. I'm attracted to her; she's very beautiful and has a kind heart. She's also a little odd, which is actually part of the attraction for me (I'm not-so-normal myself).

I recently met a new girl, S. S is also very attractive and she seems interested, but I don't really know enough about her to say whether she's my type for sure. She is shy, but we've had fun the few times we've been out together. Suddenly, almost out of the blue, M asks me if I might be interested in pursuing things with her. I said 'yes' without any thought but wasn't prepared for what would happen next. She has since pulled back and decided it would be a really bad idea and doesn't want to risk our friendship over something that "would be end up a disaster" in her words. I've tried my best to convince her that I'm serious and really interested but her change of heart has me a little concerned about her state of mind. She doesn't seem willing to budge and another issue is that we might be separated by distance in just a few months.

As I see it my options are to wait and continue to try and persuade M to go with her heart and stop thinking so much with her mind, or just give up and see where things go with S. I can't make up my mind but the more M pushes me away and tries to dissuade me, the more I think maybe she is right. What do you think I should do?

Thanks for listening,

CC

Dear CC,

Does M know about S? Is it possible she was all for having a relationship with you until she wised up that you have the hots for this S girl and decided you aren't really right for her? Or, is it possible that there's a certain degree of neediness about you--this pushing her and trying to persuade her and deciding that if you can't have her, you'll settle for S--that has really turned M off? After all, do you want M or do you just want a girlfriend?

I say lay off the both of them for awhile and figure out what's so important about having a relationship right now that you're willing to go so far as to actively persuade someone to date you seemingly without any pride about it at all.  A general rule of thumb is: if you have to ask more than twice, the answer isn't worth receiving. If M wants you, she's going to have to do the pursuing now. If, in a month or so, she still seems cool towards you on the romantic front, then, by all means, see where things might go with S.

Dear Wendy,

I have this guy friend whom I work with and was intimate with a few times. Did I fall for him? I guess in a way I did. But I know I love him more as a friend then anything else. But, our relationship became complicated and difficult when it was anything other than friends, so we decided that being just friends was the best route for us to take. I think we both, in a way, have struggled with this decision. Not so much in the sense that we want to be intimate again but more that we do care deeply for each other so it is hard to decide where we fit...

Friendship is extremely important to me. I have many acquaintances in my life but only a small handful of true friends. I don't easily let people in and the ones I do mean the world to me. Well, this guy found his way in, but the problem is he lies. He lies about everything, but especially about other girls. Why lie? It doesn't make sense to me. I am trying so hard to be friends with him, to make our relationship work. We have both moved on and I speak to him about other guys and he will tell me about random hook-ups but every once in a while he just doesn't tell me the truth.

I have recently found out he hooked up with someone we both know. When I asked him straight out about this girl, he of course denied it. What do I do? I hate being lied to. I love him and care for him deeply but this friendship is starting to wear on both of us. How can I get us back to where we were?

Lied to

Dear Lied To,

This guy doesn't want to be your friend. He used you for sex and when you started wanting a real relationship, he bailed. The only thing that was "complicated and difficult" about being more than friends was that he didn't want to be your boyfriend, he wanted to be your "hook-up." And now that you're no longer sleeping together, he'd really like nothing more than to move on and to continue randomly hooking up with other girls without any hassle.

But! You guys work together, so he has no choice but to deal with you all the time. And since he knows you'll freak out if you discover he's banging someone you both know, he lies in order to avoid further confrontation and the kinds of "difficulties and complications" that came with being more than just your friend.

The friendship is wearing on you both because it's a pretense--there is no friendship. There's simply the broken remains of a relationship that never was because one person wanted it and then other didn't. So do yourself a favor and quit interacting with this person. He's a jerk and you can do better. Find someone who really deserves your deeper feelings (preferably not someone you work with).

Dear Wendy

Dear Wendy,

I have this awesome guy friend; he is kind, smart, funny, caring, etc. We get along really well and I feel super-comfortable with him.  He likes me and he would be an amazing boyfriend.  But here's the thing: even though he is a good looking guy, I'm not physically attracted to him. He just doesn't give off a sexual vibe at all - I think that this is an objective observation as most of my girlfriends thought that he was gay and although everybody loves him, nobody can see him in a sexual light. He is a very awkward person physically and although it's endearing in almost every way, I can't picture myself having sex with him. I wish that we could be together but I get cringe thinking about him naked. What should I do? Help!

-- Just His Friend

Dear JHF,

Your question perplexes me a little. Has the awesome guy friend at any time asked for more from you than friendship? Has he expressed romantic interest in you? Made a pass at you? Suggested you make fondue together in front of a roaring fire on a Saturday night? If so, then I can understand the conundrum--I mean, how awkward that your awesome guy friend senses more than just an awesome friendship between the two of you when you clearly have so sexual feelings towards him at all.

If, however, awesome guy friend has never once crossed the line of platonic friendship, then I'm not sure what the problem is exactly. This guy you feel absolutely no sexual chemistry--whom cannot even picture naked without cringing--has expressed no romantic interest in you either?  What a relief!  Now you can go on being awesome friends without any of that weird sexual tension that sometimes plagues male-female friendship. Congratulations. Now go find a guy you can picture having sex with so you can quit feeling bad about not being attracted to your male friend who isn't attracted to you (and quite possible is gay).

Dear Wendy,

I work for a very large banking corporation in their HR department. I have one other “peer” (who I spend most of my time supervising) and I also supervise a group of temps who are working on a large project that I’m deeply involved in.

My question is in regards to the peer called H. H has actually been in the department longer than I and in our actual position longer as well. Here’s the problem: she can’t make a decision to save her life. Management usually comes to me when looking for answers to questions or just general decision-making skills. Of course, H gets offended by this and usually bitches and moans about the fact that she’s just as important as I and doesn’t understand why people don’t go to her also. She also regularly points out to me that I AM NOT her manager even though she frequently comes to me to let me know what she’s doing or to ask me what she should do. What she’s been doing lately that’s really getting to me is this: She’s pregnant and will be going out on maternity leave soon. Because of her terrible eating habits she’s already done a lot of damage to her body and is only in the office for half days. While she’s here, however, she’s supposed to be taking care of our “business as usual” work so that I can focus my attention on this large project. Recently I discovered that she’s been leaving a lot of work to the side and playing computer games while she is here, presumably because it doesn't really matter since she'll be leaving soon anyway. How should I handle this situation, since you know, I AM NOT her manager?

Best regards,

Not Her Manager

Dear NHM,

Tell on her. Then ask that a temp be hired to cover her work.

Dear Wendy,

I am thinking of traveling to NYC in the near future with my gf, and am getting overwhelmed trying to find out any reliable info online, so I was wondering if you could give me any tips on things in NYC. Such as which airport to fly into, where to stay, etc. Anything else you think would be helpful too.

Thanks,
SC Todd

Although I'm sleeping with someone who lives in NY, my perception of the city is still pretty limited, so I'm going to open this one up to my readers, since I bet they'll have much better insight. 

So, readers, what do you think?  Where should Todd stay in NYC? What should be be sure to check out while he's there? And, actually, I'll be happy to take the same advice since I'll be there for my longest visit to date from Dec. 29 - Jan. 6!

And, if you need some advice on something, drop me a note and I'll see if I can help out!

Dear Wendy

Dear Wendy,

This is my first letter to you but I've been thinking about writing to ask for advice for a while. My problem concerns a friend of mine- let's call her M. M and I met 5 years ago and formed quite an intense bond from the beginning. At the time, we were both unemployed, single and relatively new to the city where we lived, so we both needed as much support as we could give to each other.

During the first year of our friendship, I started a job I was dreadfully unhappy in and M a string of unsuccessful ones and our bond grew stronger with time. Then around 3 years ago, she found herself obliged to go back to her parents, who lived miles away, as her debt was growing out of control and she had difficulties finding a new, stable job to pay her rent. The 6 months she was away were very miserable for both, and our only highlights were the weekends we spent visiting each other or the emails we wrote on a daily basis. As you have probably guessed, our friendship was very intense, possibly too intense, and while grateful for it, I could not help but feel that it was not right. At any rate, just before M finally found a permanent job and was about to come back, I met the guy who was going to become my boyfriend as well as, after a while, my flatmate. Shortly afterwards, I changed my job and my life finally seemed to get in a better shape.

Once M was back, we went on seeing each other regularly, and I have made a huge effort not to make her feel excluded, and/or that things had changed in any way. 3 years down the line, we still meet twice a week and have also travelled together on various short trips abroad. However, things are different. While my life's changed since we first met, M hasn't had any luck in finding a job that satisfies her, and has left various roles before finding a new one- with the result that now, after various months of unemployment, she'll probably have to go back to her parents once again. The fact that our life situations are quite different means that I probably don't need the same support from her as I used to; I, however, feel a huge responsibility towards her. M doesn't have any friends other than me, so sometimes the pressure to be present in her life is immense. I try to always be there when she needs me, and listen to her problems religiously. I watch her going through yet another crisis and try to help her as best as I can. I never forget that my life was in bad shape and could be again tomorrow. However, I do not get anything from this friendship anymore. I don't feel I can talk to her about my joys, or even my problems, whatever they may be, as her difficulties getting a job or her eternal quest for happiness always get the priority. I have no problem being there when I am needed and giving support. My question is, though: what if the crisis is not temporary, what if help is always needed? Where can a friendship go then? Am I just being selfish here?

Sincerely,

Tired

Dear Tired, 

Healthy people have bad days, sane people go through rough spells, but functional people do NOT have funks that last three years.  People like Britney Spears have funks that last three years, and we all know she's completely dysfunctional.  No, M's crisis is NOT temporary.  Since when does "temporary" equal several years? 

M is what we people in arm-chair psychology call toxic.  M is in the business of being negative, of creating a negative aura everywhere she goes and she won't rest until everyone is as depressed and miserable as she is.  And I know you think you've been a good friend to her, treating her as you'd like to be treated if you were feeling blue, but the truth is that you are what we armchair pyschologists call an enabler, enabling M to go on spreading her toxicity.  How do you feel after spending time with M?  Exhausted, deflated, depressed, and frustrated?  Yeah, that's her toxins working their way into your psyche and you are enabling them to do so!

Stop the madness, Tired, and cut M off.  You have no responsibility towards her at all!  None.  It isn't your fault she has no friends, it's hers.  And as long as her bahavior is validated by your presence in her life, she's going to continue being as much of a drag as she is now.  When she no longer has you or anyone else to bring down, maybe then she'll start thinking about changing her attitude and behavior to attract a better life.  Maybe not.  But you know what?  It's not your problem and it never was.  So go live your life and enjoy healthy, mutually beneficial friendships with people who relfect the happiness you feel, who celebrate your successes and offer support during your funks, and suggest professional help when they last longer than a couple of weeks.

Dear Wendy,

I was driving yesterday when I saw three kids, around 13 years old, walking through a gas station parking lot. They were very intimidating, at least to those of us who are frightened by Hot Topic and bad emo bands. The two girls were pretty normal looking, but when I saw the boy, I had to turn the car around and do a double take. Not only did he have a red bandana tied proudly across his forehead and tight black pants with a red legband around the thigh, but he was sporting a fabulously long, curly, blonde mullet that would've gotten him some serious action at a Loverboy concert in 1983. So here are my questions: Is this your fault? Did your accidental journey to Mullettown make you an icon for disaffected youth all over the country? If so, is it okay for me to be mad at you?

Yours in baldness,

Chuck

Dear Chuck,

I think we can all agree that the person most deserving of blame for bringing the mullet back is Oprah Winfrey.  She is, after all, the leader of the world.  I am merely a disciple.

Do you need advice on something pressing?  Send me your letters -- I'm happy to fix all your problems!! And if you want to add to my suggestions to today's letters, share your thoughts below.