REAL "Real-Life Situations"

Hallmark Cards Inc. is releasing a new line of cards that will "speak to situations that the company says either have been ignored by greeting card companies or received only a smattering of attention from niche players." Situations they already have cards in the works for include: going through rehab, having anoerexia, and coming out as a big homo (in other words, cards most of Hollywood should eventually receive).

"Customers said, 'I don't know what to say during a difficult time so I don't say anything at all,'" a Hallmark assistant product manager explained. "They wanted cards dealing with more real-life situations."

Well, if that's the case, here are some other difficult "real-life situations" they'd be wise to tackle:

• I accidently drank all your liquor when I house-sat for you and then I filled the empty bottles with Fresca and Mountain Dew. Sorry.
• I fell out of love with you eons ago but stayed with you because I didn't want to work for a living. Also I like my big diamond ring. Can I keep it?
• I'm sorry I posted your naked pictures on the Internet after we broke up. I still love you though. Wanna get back together?
• Some of the pictures on your MySpace page make you look fat. Also, I hate your profile song.
• Gail and I are lesbian lovers. I'm sorry, Stedman.
• Even though the boob job went so wrong, your brow lift looks pretty good.
• I don't like my psuedonym in your blog. Do you think you could call me Shirly instead?
• Congratulations on your sex change, but I liked you better as a girl.
• Please, please, PLEASE quit sending me chain mail from the Dalai Lama.
• Seriously.