VD: Romantic Day or STD?

I rank Valentine's Day right up there with New Years Eve for ridiculous occasions that suck donkey balls. If you don't have a special someone or an event to go to, they both play like sad reminders of how lonely and pitiful your life is, and if you do have a special someone or an event to go to, you're still just watching a bunch of couples make googly eyes at each other and arrogantly basking in the glow of their love because this year, this year they finally are not alone. Ugh! The whole thing just reaks of desperation.

I know plenty of chicks who get their panties all up in a bunch over whether and where their beloved will make dinner plans on the evening of Valentine's Day. They start dropping reminder hints the size of Cleveland somewhere around Halloween and round about the end of January, if there isn't some sense that this year will be different than the others, that this year they'll feel loved and adored and like one of the masses that crowd the windows of all the trendy eateries in town, their panties tighten and pinch and bunch until they are clearly shoved so far up their owners' asses, only a pair of salad tongs will free them from the dark depths of dispair.

Ladies, it's time to chill the fuck out!

If you need this manufactured, Hallmark day to prove you are loved, to show the world, nay yourself, that your boyfriend really cares about you, then you have far bigger problems than being closed out of the hippest restaurant in town on the most annoying night of the year.

And men, if you use this one day of the year to prove to your lady, nay to yourself, that you will not let social expectations and your girlfriend's heavy-handed manipulation dictate how and when you show your affections, you have far bigger problems than compromising your masculinity or dealing with a woman scorned.

Seriously, everyone needs a reality check. This is a doily occasion, an occasion made popular by decorated empty kleenex boxes, glitter, and cards with cartoon Winnie-the-Poohs holding pots of honey on their big bulging bellies and declaring, "I'm sweet on you." This day is for children, not full-grown adults who have advanced vocabularies and extended means of communication with which to express their feelings every day of the year. This is a day businesses have suckered you into spending money on shit you don't need because if you don't, you'll be sleeping on the couch for the rest of the winter, when really, what's wrong with saying "I love you" on the 11th with a bag of beefy burgers and a couple of new netflix films?

If I have to read one more blog post or get one more email of hear one more disgruntled shopper in a store complain about how stressful Valentine's Day is and how "he totally didn't even make dinner reservations yet and now it's too late to get in anywhere other than White Castle," or "I can't believe it's a hundred goddamn dollars to send a bunch of roses to her office so everyone knows I'm not a jerk," I'll be forced to drape myself across my couch with a cold compress on my forehead and a bottle of booze to my lips, which actually doesn't sound so bad now that I think of it.

But what I'm really trying toi say here is: Get a hold of yourselves, people! Whether someone does or doesn't live up to your expectation of how you believe people should behave on this day should really be irrelevant. Whether you're happy with who you are and whom you're with is the bigger question, and one that should be answered 365 days of the year, not just the one Hallmark made up.

So straighten yourself out, pull your panties out of your ass, take a deep breath, and relax. If your man doesn't meet your expectations every other day of the year, don't expect him to on Valentine's Day. And if VD is the only day he shows he cares, is that really something to celebrate? On the other hand, if he's always a wonderful boyfriend, you shouldn't need a doily day to make you feel secure in your relationship. Also? Valentine's Day is on a Wednesday this year--not exactly the most fun night of the week to go out for a fancy dinner. Plus, isn't American Idol on that night?