Do you know this man?

I'd like everyone to take a look at this face.  Do you know this man?  Google tells me this is the face of Lorenzo Borghese, this season's Bachelor, but I swear, I can't recognize him without a flood of tears drowning his head, just like I can't recognize Sadie without her halo and big 'V' on her letterman sweater.  And Jen?  Well, naturally it will be difficult to ever pick her out on the streets of New York since she is so very, very Manhattan, a true New York City Girl, Oh My God, she's going to blend in so well!!

But let's talk about Lorenzo's mother for a minute, okay?  Lorenzo's mother is without a doubt, the coolest woman ever to grace the screen of The Bachelor.  She's spunky, she's crazy, she reads palms (just like me!), and, and she wears earrings as big as Hailey's comet.  You kind of get the idea she's probably always covered in small dogs that she lets poop all over her castle or whatever it is she lives in as a princess of never-never land.  And also, I bet she eats a lot of bon-bons.  Like I said, coolest woman on The Bachelor, ever. 

Oh, the Borghese dad was pretty awesome, too: charming, cute, and a smirk that sort of conveyed how perfectly ridiculous he thought everything was, especially the part about his son being an Italian Prince who speaks no words of Italian.  That toast Borghese Dad gave at that awkward brunch?  I looked up the English translation and roughly it is, "My son is a big dope, but so are these two boring blondes, so I guess it really doesn't matter whom he chooses.  By the way, my wife is totally whacked out, but she's fun, no?  She likes bon-bons and is often covered in small, yappy dogs.  P.S.  We are both on drugs, which is the only way we can get through the idiocy of this whole event.  Please pass the Mimosas."

Also, I counted how many times Sadie mentioned her virginity and in last night's episode alone it was 227 times!!  And you will notice that she wore a white dress to the final rose ceremony, while Jen, that promiscious slut, had no choice but to wear black (so New York, though, don't you think?!). Also, Sadie's dad?  Uhm, also a virgin, I think.

So, really, it was no big surprise when Lorenzo picked Jen at the end, was it?  I mean, who can deny all that chemistry between them, the effortless conversation, the mutual fondness?  And it made so much sense that he would give her the engagement ring after telling her he wasn't ready to propose, you know?  I mean, of course!  I have a drawer full of engagement rings from all the boys I've ever gone steady with.  It's very common.  They were family rings, you know.  Sometimes I think I should give them back, but nah.

Anyway, I'm sure Jen won't ever have to worry about returning the very sentimental family ring to the Borghese's.  Obviously, she and Lorenzo are totally made for each other and after she moves to Ny and becomes and public school teacher in the city and finds a really great apartment and makes lots of new friends and a great new life, it'll be just a matter of time before Lorenzo makes an honest woman of her.  Oops, I forgot, Lorenzo let the only honest woman in the whole world go.  Oh well, a promiscuous slut isn't the worst thing that can happen to a guy: crying uncontrollably on national television during sweeps month is.

Comments

[Cover Your Mouth]

Yes, Lorenzo's mom wins Best Bachelor Mom Ever Award and I also nominate Lorenzo for Most Poetic Tear Award (head cocked to one side, light bouncing off the cheek as one glimmering tear slides elegantly toward the chin). Breathtaking.

[saraH]

Haha!! That was the funniest thing I've read in a long time!!
I never saw that show and now I know why.

[gigi]

Yes - Mama Borghese did have a way about her. Very engaging. The ending was awkward. All of it. And kind of mean when his goodbye comments to Sadie veered off suddenly into, "I'd rather be with the other woman here." (ouch) Did everyone else see that coming?

I can't seem to stop watching this show and I secretly wish I actually knew someone who was zany/crazy/bored enough to go on it...

[Gabrielle]

Ah, but what about Lorenzo's mom's Crystal Carrington in "Dynasty" hairdo? EXACTLY!

Great recap, love the toast translation. I think Jen only wants a free place to stay in NYC, but then Lorenzo is a schlub, so who cares? Still, like his mom, he has great hair.

[sallypierre]

mama seems to be a fan of plastic surgery or something.

btw, how do you stay a virgin until your 24? does it depend on what the definition of is is?

[Ally]

This is such a funny post! Great summary. I distinctly got the impression that Lorenzo really couldn't decide but just had to pick one. I'll be curious to see what happens now that they aren't in "the Garden of Eden" or whatever he called it.