On Turning Thirty

Ever since my about 4 months into 28, I've been looking forward to turning 30.  Despite what seemed like genuine freak-outs among my friends who had already celebrated the big 3-0, I knew it would be different for me.  After all, my twenties have been hard and confusing, uncomfortable and awkward, and I've been ready to put it all behind me and start a new decade with a clean slate.  Not only that, but the anxieties that seem to have plagued my friends months or weeks before their 30th birthdays are things I don't worry about!  Or at least, that's what I thought.

And then, about three months ago, I started freaking the fuck out.  It came on fairly slowly and unassuming.  First, I was anxious about finishing my thesis on time and getting my MA by the end of the summer.  Then I was worried about finding work and paying back my loans and still affording my booze habit and cute shoes.  And as the summer wore on, my thirtieth birthday looming closer and closer (tomorrow!), everything in my life suddenly fell under the microscope of re-examination.  Issues that previously only sort of bugged me, became the absolute bane of my existence.  The extra five pounds I carry around my middle plagued me each and every morning as I dressed.  My apartment suddenly seemed too small, my savings account non-existent, my education a waste of time and money.  Everywhere I turned, everyone in my life, everything around me just represented one more way I was failing as a human being. 

"I'm supposed to be more than this," I said to a friend recently, "At thirty, I'm supposed to have something in my life I feel good about.  Something!  And I have nothing, just nothing!" I wailed dramatically.

I was never someone who really imagined what my life would be like at 30.  I've never pictured a wedding for myself, or thought I ought to have a baby or own my own place, or even have a successful career by a certain age.  Two years ago, I would have told you that if these things are meant to happen for me, they will unfold organically, and that I was happy just opening myself to opportunities and possibilities.  But lately, what I always considered society's fucked-up expectations and perceptions of "success" have seeped into my own ideals and thoughts.  It wasn't enough anymore that I was writing for fun, that I was enjoying the outlet of my blogs and the writing opportunities I pursue elsewhere: I should be writing for lots of money! Why am I not a better writer yet?  Why am I not widely published?  Why am I not celebrated among the masses?  This arrogant way of thinking bled into other self-perceptions: my body image (which is usually so healthy!), my love life (Why is dating only getting harder the older I get?  Why do all the good men seem taken?  Where is my One and why haven't I found him yet?), and then my hair.  Oh, my hair.

It was as if that terrible mullet cut was a physical representation of my internal agony and the feeling that I lacked any control in my life.  Even with the best intentions, with a picture in hand of what I wanted, things turned out so drastically different, and there was nothing I could do to change it.  For the past two months, I've just been putting up with having a hairstyle I hated, and then over this past weekend, I just couldn't stand it any longer, and in this frantic melt-down of exploding emotions, I started chopping at my hair, and with every snip, I cried out all my frustrations and feelings of inadequacy, anxieties that I'm a failure because at 30 my life won't be perfect (like there's an expiration on figuring things out, like at a certain age, we're done evolving and growing and defining who we are) until I barely had any tears -- or any hair -- left. 

Someone told me recently that this thing happens almost the moment you turn thirty where you realize that the failures and set-backs and disappointments are just as beautiful in the mosaic of a life that's been carefully and thoughtfully cultivated.  At thirty you finally understand  the mistakes are just as important as the successes and that this life that seems so fucked up under the microscope  of close examination is really quite lovely in its larger picture. 

And maybe, if you're like me, you realize that even a bad haircut is just...a bad haircut, that it will grow out, and that you'll adapt.  Maybe it's not what you asked for, and not what you pictured for yourself, and maybe you still even hate it, biut, good god, it isn't a death sentence, and hopefully, when it's all said and done and you've had a professional stylist go ahead and "just get rid of it all," you can take a deep breath and decide that a clean slate is better than a messy one. 

And if that doesn't work, there's always gin.  Lots and lots of gin.  And hats!  Thank God.

Comments

[Sara]

your hair is seriously really really adorable like this. Actually, when I saw the mullet, my first thought was, she should just chop of the mullet-y part. bravo. you did that yourself?

[Beth]

The new do looks fantastic - it really suits you!!

[Kendra]

As a girl who recently crossed over the 30 threshold herself, I can certainly relate to this post. I did my freaking out when I turned 29 but 30 was pretty good...though I understand the whole "I thought I'd have more" concept. As I was thinking that one day though it occured to me that one never thinks to oneself, "I think maybe I have too much". That's when I decided to relax and enjoy my life for what it is right now. Glad to hear you're doing the same. Enjoy your day tomorrow, birthday girl!
P.S. I'm loving the new haircut!

[nickels]

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YOU LOOK
MAAAAHVELOUS!

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[Loose String]

I love the hair! I was going to recommend cutting it off but I know that is a scary proposition. Good call!

[Greg]

Wendy, chicks with short hair look stylish. The new cut rocks.

[Kyla]

I'm so glad you cut it off if only because you were able to take back that control! Here here for thirty. Here's hoping (and knowing) that just like your hair, you'll make it your own and do it with style!

[Browneyedgirlie]

Absolutely adorable 'do.

[desiree]

The hair looks fantastic. No joke. If I hated it I wouldn't even bother to comment.

And 30? I can't help ya, but maybe it you just ride it out the answers will come.

[Allison]

Just gorgeous. Really.

[Megan]

The hair is adorable, really really adorable.

[S]

I LOVE it.

[angie]

I think the new (sassy!) hair shows off your face more. And honestly, when you've got a great face, there's no reason to show it off.

If it took a mullet to get you to that, then mullets all around!

[April]

At least you didn't shave your head... actually, your new cut is very cute!

Happy Birthday, cous.!

[C]

You're going to kick 30's ass, and with a cute haircute to boot.

[Always Ace]

Everyone was right: the pixie cut is GORGEOUS! Absolutely adorable -- it makes me miss my pixie cut from 4 years ago; I grew my hair out to an angled bob, and I'm actually getting bored with it these days, because it's just not exciting and modern... It's much too classic! I've always felt like short hair takes guts and daring, and you've got what it takes to wear it! Plus, it really suits you.

By the way, trust me, you don't have to worry about where you are at 30: I just turned 32, and I know I have a HELL of a lot of figuring out left to do -- I worry about the same kinds of things all the time, and it does feel somewhat better to know that we're not alone in these thoughts and fears. I will continue to do my soul searching, as will you; we've got a lot more growing and evolving to do... And that's not a bad thing -- if anything, it's reassuring to know that we still have so much more ahead of us! (at least, I try to tell myself this to make me feel better...)

But girl, seriously -- you write SO well; you're witty and entertaining, you've got FAB taste, you've already published your work on the Internet and in print... you've got SO MUCH going for you! Plus, you're teaching what you learned, passing on your knowledge.

And you have a fabulous apartment to boot -- trust me, things are only getting better for you! I envy you the freedom you have and the things that you do -- relish all these wonderful things, you really are blessed.

Best,
AC

[citywendy]

Wow, thanks, everyone!
I was really nervous about the short hair, but it's growing on me (no pun intended) and you all are making me feel better about it.
Thanks for the birthday wishes, too.
Always Ace, it DOES help knowing we aren't alone in these thoughts of inadequacy and I suppose the negative thoughts just help us push ourselves a little more to reach our potentials. Thanks for the reassurance.

[Neil]

The thirties are a whole lot better than the twenties. Frist of all, you can stop worrying about becoming 30.

[Sandra Dee]

Oh I totally love this new 'do! Makes me want to chop mine off.

[natalie]

As I read your post, I sat there nodding my head. I felt the same way turning 30. Tomorrow is my 20 year high school reunion and I am freaking out about where I am in life...unfulfilling job, feeling fat, no husband, no kids, etc. YIKES!
Your hair looks great.
Have a juicy birthday.

[gabby]

your hair is so cute!!!

and premature HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[Tilly]

So cute, so cute, SO CUTE!

And Happy Birthday! Celebrating the gift of your birth...I'll drink to that.

[e.]

Cute shirt, too!

Happy Birthday! Enjoy the gin..

[Torz]

I am delurking to say the hair looks adorable!
Happy b-day! : )

[Kid Ikaros]

I turned thirty in Morocco while serving in the Peace Corps, so I never had the typical panic attack. I was having a lot of those for so many reaons that it got lost in the mix. I already felt older than pretty much everyone I served with and coming back to the States I had to go through cultural readjustment, age adjustment as well as looking for work (which took me almost a year and I'm only about to start new job now). The Saturn Return can stretch out, lay down in a warm spot and make itself at home it seems.

All of which is just a long-winded way of saying Happy Bithday, and your new hair do looks fantastic. Bravo!