They Make Herbs for That

Most people when it gets hot, they don't want to eat so much -- they have light salads and fruit cups for lunch and pat their bellies afterwards and sigh and say things like, "I am so full,"  which, no matter how much meditation and writing in my fucking gratitude journal I do, just makes me feel hateful towards them and I catch myself wishing them nasty cases of adult acne, or at least serious sunburns so severe they're kept awake at night and develop bags the size of Minnesota under their eyes that perfectly compliment their fresh pimples and achingly flaty-flat stomachs. 

The heat does nothing to suppress my appetite, and if anything, I eat more because what in the world is better than Bratwurst and hotdogs and big-ass burgers right off the grill?  Nothing!  Except, maybe, ice cream on a super hot day, and baklava, and red pepper hummus, and cupcakes because they're always good all the time, and shit, since I'm eating so much already, anyway, why not add some burritoes and chips and salsa and goddamn guacamole to go with my enormous Margaritas, and not just glasses, nay, PITCHERS of Maragitas, because when it's hot outside, when summer has finally made an appearance in Chicago, what better way to celebrate than stuffing your mouth completely silly and drinking enough booze to drown the entire cast of animals in Brokeback Mountain? No better way!

So, needless to say, my girth has expanded considerably in the last week or so, and naturally, I did what any self-respecting young woman too lazy to up her exercise and too giddy to cut her calories would do, and I patted my portruding belly and exclaimed to a couple of girlfriends over the weekend, "I sure am getting pudgy!" to which I fully expected the obligatory girlfriend reponse: "Oh My God!  Are you kidding?!?!  You are so skinny!  You need to eat!" But instead, my friend, the Chinese Herbalist, just said, "I have some herbs you can take for that."  "Oh," I said, defeated, "You think I'm really pudgy?"  "Women just naturally carry stress their abdomen," she replied, giving me a sympathetic look.  "But I'm not stressed!"  I exclaimed, " I'm relaxed!  REALLY, REALLY RELAXED!!"  "Just try the herbs," she said.

The next day, I was over at her place, and she handed me a container of the herbs and said, "Take them either 30 minutes before you eat or two hours afterwards.  Oh, and don't take them with coffee!"
"But, I drink coffee all the time!  And I never stop eating!!  What will I do!" I wailed, " And also!" I continued, "I have a sensitive stomach.  Will these, you know, upset it?"
"You won't get explosive diarrhea,if that's what you're asking," she replied.
"Good!" I said, " Because I don't want that!"
"You won't.  It will just make you regular, that's all."
"But I'm already regular!"  I said.
"Just take the herbs!!" she reponded, exasperated.

So yesterday, I sort of looked at the herbs all day, not sure if I was ready to take such a leap of faith, but in the shower, when I noticed again my expanded girth, I decided to take the bull by the horns and just go for it!  So, I got out, toweled off, and popped two herbs.  Then I waited, and waited -- for what, I'm not sure -- but I waited some more for good measure.  And when a friend invited me to go to see this bluegrass band, I decided I'd better stay home in case the herbs suddenly made me "regular." 

The herbs in fact seemed so gentle on my system, that this afternoon, a few hours after my coffee fix and during an unexpected break in my pigging out, I popped a couple more.  Then, because I am so sick of being at home, I biked to the coffee shop to get a little work done on my thesis.

It was there, over a cup of peppermint tea and a cupcake that the herbs started "working."  I suddenly got stomach cramps so intense, I wouldn't be surprised if the hands of the devil had mysteriously reached into my intenstines and started squeezing out all the leftover religion from my childhood.  And then it occured to me, that even if it wasn't the herbs or the devil doing damage on my insides, it might just be my lunch working it's way through.

For lunch I had this soup that I made from scratch, because when it's hot, who doesn't like standing over the stove, making a pot of piping fucking hot soup to eat?  And also, because I read in that book about why french women aren't fat that if you're trying to lose weight, it's great to eat lots of leak soup, and being the extremist that I am, I thought why stop at Leaks?  Why not just throw a bunch of shit into that soup and then puree the fuck out of it in a big blender?  So, I threw in some leaks, some potatoes, a few carrots, a couple tomatoes, some black beans, some broccoli, a little cheese, and then some lemon rind for flavor!  And then, because that still didn't seem enough, I threw in some cilantro that I bought at the store earlier this morning and didn't know what I was going to do with, because what do people do with cilantro??  Leak soup, that's what!

So, anyway, I was at the cafe and all of a sudden the soup or the herbs or the 3 1/2 gallons of coffee I had for breakfast or the hands of the fucking devil started working their way on my insides and even though I'd just sat down with my peppermint tea and opened up my laptop, I immediately had to go home, because if there's anything worse than losing your shit in a public bathroom, it's losing your shit in a public bathroom that just happens to be in a KITCHEN, for god's sake, and I mean, that's just gross.  So I packed up my stuff, cleared my table, hopped on my bike and starting peddaling home with a ferocity I haven't exhibited since 4th grade when someone told me if I won the school race, Ricky Schroeder would come to the awards ceremony and personally pin the 1st place ribbon on my chest.

Anyway!  My friend was right -- the herbs are a great appetite suppressant.  I have no interest in seeing food for at least a couple of hours, my belly has deflated back to its normal supermodel size, and frankly, I haven't felt sexier in ages!  And now I just have one thing to ask her -- can I take the herbs with Gin?  Because right now?  I could really use some.

Comments

[Em]

Oh, my girth has girthed out too. I need herbs with gin! That sounds gooood! Or herbs with ice cream!

[zenson]

you actually had leftover religion from your childhood?

:|

(again, wonderful for a laugh, love)

[RSG]

Poor you! I can relate about your anxiety about 'losing your shit in a public bathroom that just happens to be in a KITCHEN'.

A few years ago I visited my friend in Hong Kong for a few weeks and stayed at his place. I got a large surprise when I went to the bathroom. It was also in the kitchen! While sitting on the toilet I could wash my hands, and stir my food on the stove!

Plus there was no door! Just two curtains, one to separate the kitchen from the family room, and another to separate the toilet facilities from the kitchen proper. You could hear every sound coming from the damned room. And to top it all off, my buddy had a female roomy. It's one thing if your buddy hears you, its another when a very attractive girl you're interested in asking out for dinner hears you.

Ahh, the adventures of travel.

[Laura]

summer makes some people not hungry? Ill never understand it. I swear all the street vendor smells are even stronger now, its way too hard to resist.

I need me some herbs!

[citywendy]

Em: I tried the herbs with ice cream, too: not so good!

Zenson: Yes, you don't grow up in church with a sunday school teacher mom, to boot, and not have at least a little leftover religion.

RSG: That's so terrible! Worse than my bathroom experience on my trip to Russia in the early 90's. Did you ask the girl out?

Laura: I know!! Summer makes me want to eat everything in sight -- it all looks and smells so yummy!!!

[Scarlett]

I'm one of those that loses her apetite when the heat goes up. But I never let it stand between me and a grilled bratwurst or baseball game hotdogs. Oooh! Or those processed cheese nachos. Or chips, salsa and a big frozen margarita.

I guess what I mean is that I don't FEEL hungry but I enjoy eating anyways and do so.

Screw bikini season, there are herbs now!

[rsg]

The young lady and I spent the day together, and she took me all over HK island. Unfortunately, she and my buddy had some issues and he evicted her a couple of days after we met.

Funny enough the issues also revolved around said toilet. Seems she liked to make sure she was very clean after using the toilet. So much so, that she usually clogged it with TP and would have my friend plunge it out.

Here's a hint ladies. Unless you are married or engaged, never, Never, NEVER ask a guy to plunge out your stuff! It seems like a quick way to get evicted.

[Joe]

Maybe it's the biker in me but the biking home with insides in a knot part resonates with me. True torture. It reminds me of when I ate what has become known as The Che Guevara doughnut (becuase it led a rebellion in my stomach) and had to ride 30 miles home.

After a long weekend of grilling I can answer the "What's better than a big ass burger straight off the grill" question: a big ass burger that has blue cheese in the center. Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Hope you feel better.

[Ivy]

Or you can buy that new camera that has the slimming feature. Eat all the burgers you can handle, no herbs, and still 10 pounds lighter!

[mar]

I can't believe that no one has asked what the herb was....so Wendy what was it? Everyone could use a little help during this... OMG i have to put on a bathing suit sometime soon seasion.

[mrsmogul]

All I want to eat now is salads for dinner...my husband made a curry tonight and it was too hot to eat...

Came by TeaB, btw, who did your design? Love it! Am looking to change my design.

[citywendy]

Mar: The herbs are called Herbalite. I had to stop after the 3rd day because my sensitve stomach just didn't tolerate them well. Also, I don't think I could actually go the two hours between meals that you're supposed to to let the herbs settle. I gots ta graze all day long.

MrsMogul: Hot curry sounds fantastic. And Sarah Hatter designed my site. She's my business parter at Misc. Books and Press (miscbooksandpress.org), and Awesome (www.ohmythatsawesome.com), and has her own site at www.sarahhatter.com. She designed all those sites as well.

[C]

"because what do people do with cilantro??"

They definitely don't eat it, or put it in their soup :0)

[Timmay]

Seriously. It sounds as if you and everyone here is blaming the herbs, when you broke every rule about taking them. Your problem isn't a sensitive stomach, it's too much caffeine.