How to Really Raise a Writer

I was logging on to MSN earlier today to check one of my email accounts, when an article entitled "How to Raise a Writer" caught my eye.  "Huh." I thought, clicking the link, "This should be good."

Before I get into the content of the article, can we just talk for a second about the concept?  I mean why, for god's sake, would any parent in his or her right mind actually set out to raise a child to become a writer?  Fuck, the therapy bills alone would be enough to offset any of the benefits.  And then there's all that time he'll have to spend in AA meetings later in life.  And the angry outburts!!  And the goddamn constant analyzing of every little thing -- do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with that bullshit?  And forget about privacy.  Nothing is sacred to a writer.  Family?  Friends?  Relationships?  Fodder: all of it!! 

Remember that super dorky kid in 7th grade with the acne and terrible glasses and bad hair who always had his nose buried in some ridiculous sci-fi book?  Well, his parents were raising him to be a writer and they didn't do him any favors, I'll tell you that.  Sure, he gets all the girls now.  Writers are very sexy --  truly, truly sexy, but at what expense?  At the expense of happiness, that's what!!  Sure, it's super easy for them to get laid (Didn't you know?  Haven't you heard?  Writers are the new rock stars), but true, lasting happiness? Forget about it!  Because underneath their charm and charisma and big, fat words, are lonely, tortured, restless souls.  You'd be ahead just to stay away from them entirely.  And the idea of raising one?  Fucking, bloody stupid!!

But for argument's sake, let's just say you've given it a lot of thought and you can't imagine anything more delightful than raising a little budding wordsmith of your own...for shits and grins, I guess, and you know, to bring out for parties, or whatever.  Okay!  So, now what do you do?  Well, if MSN is your guide, you're supposed to; "Keep the pressure off," "Give them lots of fat crayons," "Say things like 'You're really learning how to write your name!'" and "Play games that promote writing."  Games that promote writing??  Like, what, Scrabble?  Uhh, okay.  Thanks MSN!!

Now, from someone who knows what she's talking about, if you really, truly, for whatever screwed up reason want to raise your child to be a writer, the following tips are surefire bets (and if, somehow, they don't work, just say a Hail Mary and count your fucking blessings, already):

1. Forget the encouragement bullshit -- writers feed off drama and deep-seeded insecurity!  Create a very volatile environment with lots of screaming and yelling and maybe some emotional abuse thrown in for good measure.  Don't ever say that anything your kid does is good.  Good does not = exciting writing.  Good = account manager at Fleet Feet.

2. Move A LOT.  Every year if possible.  That way, your child will never maintain a sense of stability or the chance to make lasting friendships, which will leave her with nothing but books and her own imagination for company and security.  Also, she'll always feel like a complete misfit and loner, which, guess what, = great writing!!

3. Just in case you child seems to make friends easily, buy him a trombone.  Make him take lessons.  Right after school.  That way he'll have to carry his trombone on the bus, which will pretty much guarentee his status as a social pariah.  And 'social pariah,' as we've established, = undeniable writing talent.

4. Introduce liquor into your kid's diet as early as possible.  Actually, you might as well just drink while you're pregnant.  Any brain damage it might cause will pale in comparison to the damage he'll do to himself later in life, anyway.  All writers are boozers -- it's like the law.

5. When your child is still very young, routinely play like you're dead around her.  Then, "come back to life," only not as yourself -- as the devil, naturally,and then tell her that her mother is gone forever and she better just get used to it!!  (Um, not that I would know about this one personally or anything.)

6. Throw dinner parties where you invite pretentious people in tweed coats to come over and mock celebrities and politicians and anyone who doesn't know how to use the words "lie," "lay," and "laid" properly.  When one of your guests asks your middle-schooler whom he'd like to have a threesome with, cackle loudly and say, "Yes!  Whom, whom?"

7. Finally, get your little writer a lifetime presciption for Xanax.  After the shit you've put her through, she'll need it, poor thing.

Comments

[teahouseblossom]

"And 'social pariah,' as we've established, = undeniable writing talent"

ROFL

You are too funny, Wendy. And that's 2 mentions of Xanax in a week!

[Allison]

Mother: "How was school to ..."

Five-year-old girl: "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy, wake up! Wake up Mommy!"

Mother: "..."

Girl:

Mother: "Your mother's dead. I'm the monster! Hahahahaha."

Girl: "Mommy!"

I blanked out the rest. I can never remember what happened after that. I always believed that my mother was dead, and since she of course did it when no one else was home, I had no idea what to do. Eventually she woke up and I was so glad that she had come back to life. She refuses to do it again for us. She says we have to wait till she has grandchildren. I think that is reason enough not to give her any.

[JRT]

You may want to add:

1) Make your child sit and watch hours and hours of documentaries on the History channel about the Civil War, the Third Reich, the Armenian genocide, the repeated european invasions by the Huns, Vandals, Visagoths, etc. Throw in some Nature channel vignettes that highlight the callused subsistence-existence of nearly all living creatures - real "red in tooth and claw" type stuff that will keep them awake long after you have stopped playing dead. [N.B. If you are grooming a boy writer, it would be helpful to include footage of female black widow spiders and their post-coital decapitations of the smaller, weaker, ineffectual male spiders.] Feelings of utter and total inadequacy coupled with inescapable if completely depressing life-truths = good start for a writer.

2) Sit your child at the kitchen table every time they do something wrong and make them write out exactly what it was and what would be the appropriate punishment. Make sure not to let them leave until they have gotten it into some literary form (preferably a sonnet in some iambic meter with trophic inversions). You may think that this is putting too much pressure on the youngster - but imparting to him or her the knowledge that writing is misery, yet the only salvation from even greater misery, is an important lesson.

3) Never stop reminding them to "Use their words" to express themselves.

4) I don't know. . . the trombone was good, but nothing works for isolation like double-decker metal braces with full head-gear and the consequent pools of drool, sundry bits of lodged food, and the perennial feeling that your moldy mouth is fermenting and releasing odors not even a Frenchman could learn to appreciate.

[Em]

I don't even know where to begin. That was fabulous. I relate to so much of it.

Now, excuse me, I have to sit alone in the dark with my laptop and my bottle...I mean, my GLASS, of wine.

Cheers!

[citywendy]

THB, two mentions and countless uses. Just kidding.

Allison, true that.

JRT, it's almost tragic, isn't it?

Em, cheers!

[Allie]

Double true!

[Os]

Never been happier to not be able to string together a complete sentence. I'd hate to have had 1/2 thos things happen to me. I was much happier just living in the crawl space under the stairs. Thanks Mom!

Like the new picture BTW. Hats are making it back and strong.

Os

[citywendy]

You're lucky Os.
And hats rule!

[Os]

I think hats only rule if you have some sort of locks flowing out from under it. For some reason, hats on short hair look weird to me. But then again, I once convinced myself I could go a whole week just making left hand turns.... so what do I know.

[May]

This is hilarious!

Though, if you're really lucky, the angst of puberty will do it for ya and you won't even have to lift a finger--certainly not to take her to the shrink.

[Jade]

LOL... this is hilarious.