Dating Rules

I've been perusing blogs for awhile now, hanging out in bars longer than I care to admit, and engaging in bitch sessions with my friends as frequently as our long-lost 'Sex and the City' girlfriends used to, and as I peek into the lives of my peers, either voyeuristically, or as a more intimate confidante, one thing has become so glaringly obvious, so intrisically tethered to our self-identities and the way we perceive one another, that I can no longer avoid discussing it here: people don't know how to fucking date. 

Everyone seems to want a significant other and very few know how to land one.  Those who do suddenly find themselves in a relationship often chalk it up to pure dumb luck, or fate, or finally successfully getting someone drunk enough.  People aren't taking credit for their couplings, because doing so might mean they aren't as fucked up as they thought and who in this age of glorified neuroticism wants to admit to being mentally balanced?  I mean, my god, that's so passe.

It's time for an intervention, ya'll. 

And so, I'm going to tell you what a lot of people already know and aren't sharing with the masses: the rules to dating successfully.  What makes me an expert on the subject?  My track record is atrocious, I have worse luck in love than Katie Holmes, I've ruined lots of promising starts to relationships, dragged out lots of painful endings, and I've obsessed compulsively over just about every single guy I've ever gone out with.  Simply put: I've learned the hard way. And I earned every tidbit, every gem, every pearl of wisdom I gained along the way.  And now, because I'm practing paying it forward and all -- and also because I'm sick to death of listening to everyone whine all the time about how cruel and difficult the dating market is, I just want to enjoy a cocktail in peace, my god -- I'm going to tell you everything I know.

The Rules

1. Get a life.  No, seriously, get a life.  Look, we're all the same -- men, women, whatever -- we're all looking for the same thing.  We want someone who's got it going on.  And what's more attractive than a person who has a a great circle of friends, hobbies and interests, and classes, someone who goes on trips, has weekend plans, someone who has stuff happening?  We see someone with a life -- with a real life...with something else -- anything else -- besides work and television, and we want to be a part of that. Maybe you've been in the dating pool for awhile, maybe you're about to dip your toe back in after a bit of a hiatus -- whatever your current status, I implore you, do us all a favor and do not even think about taking the plunge until you have at least three things planned every week outside of work, television, and dating (and this should continue even after you land yourself a significant other!)  Three things.  You can do it. Internet porn does not count.

2. Don't play all your cards.  So, you've landed yourself a date and you're out having a good time and you like her oh so much, she's really cute, and oh my god that smile, and you really want her to like you, and SHUT UP.  The best thing you can do is shut the fuck up.  Please, please, please, for the love of god, resist the urge to tell your date how great you think he/she is.  Limit your compliments to three (two would be better).  And don't go on and on about yourself, either.  I know you want him to like you, but I promise, if he's attracted to you and you can manage to shut the fuck up long enough for him to talk about himself a little, you'll go out again, and if you tell him everything about yourself on the first date, what the hell will you talk about on the second date?  Never ever play all your cards, otherwise the hand is over and the game might as well be, too.

3. Resist the urge to be charming.  This is really, really important.  Don't try to be funny, as there's nothing more transparent and sad.  When you feel like making a witty retort, try a half-smile instead.  The hidden wit and mystery the half-smile conveys -- like you know a secret or a joke you aren't telling -- is way, way sexier than that dorky remark you were going to make, anyway.  That bit about me learning the hard way?  Uh, yeah, you have no idea...

4. Date more than one person.  Okay, so you've gone on a few dates with that irresistable guy you met at on the train a few weeks ago.  You really like him.  He seems to like you.  Things are moving along really well.  Great!  Now, go get yourself a date with someone else.  Anyone else.  Quick!  The very worst thing you can do now is put all your eggs in one basket.  Not this early on, anyway.  Remind yourself you're still desirable, that you're a catch, that you don't have to settle, that this isn't the only fish in the sea.  You never know -- you might actually have more fun with someone else that you do with him, but you got so wrapped in the possibility of finally finding a boyfriend, you didn't give yourself a chance.  Eventually, when you've gotten to know each other better and your connection is based on more than initial attraction and the desire for a relationship, you can decide if you want to be exclusive.  You should be able to articulate to your best friend at least 10 good reasons you want to be exclusive with this person other than physical attributes.  Ten reasons!! 

5. Be picky.  This is tricky because I just told you to go out with anyone, right?  But that's just when you already have someone you're seeing and are interested in!  If you aren't seeing anyone, haven't had a date in a little while, then oh, for the love of god, be picky!  Desperation smells really, really bad and will no doubt turn off all the prime candidates.  If you start going out with people just to go out with people, you'll quickly inherit that tell-tale stench, the smell that warns prospects that you are hard-up and should be avoided at all costs.  So what to do if you're in a dry spell and you're getting antsy and nervous and maybe you'll never meet anyone again and there's just nothing worse than being single and sitting around, and what are you supposed to do with all this time on your hands, and on and on?  See rule #1.  Get a life, and I promise, the rest will take care of itself.

Now, please, quickly find some fabulous and start following these rules.  The faster we all get over our dating hang-ups, the sooner we can start talking about more pressing issues....like my hair!

Comments

[Allie]

Yes, I knew all that, but how do I meet people, dear, knowledgable Wendy?

[citywendy]

That's the thing. If you're busy having a life and not worrying so much about meeting someone, fabulous people have a way of appearing. Unless you live in Missouri, then you're pretty much fucked.

[teahouseblossom]

Very nice advice!

It's true..I've found in the past that the minute I stop caring and just get into my own life and hobbies, they really do all come out of the woodwork.

[jamy]

This is so good I wish I'd written it. (Do I sound vain or what?) Actually, I think it is a precursor to all the dating stuff I talk about on my site. Having a life is the most important thing...in life! Heh.

[david carradine]

"Yes, I knew all that, but how do I meet people, dear, knowledgable Wendy?"

be friendly and chit-chat with anyone halfway normal (not just with hot guys), while waiting in line, in the laundry, at the supermarket, etc. don't talk about you or him initially, but about a subject you have in common at that precise moment (e.g. waiting in line, weather, etc.) keep it light and fun, like a "friends" episode, stay away from bitching or negative, or anything profound. if they're not responsive, give it a few more trys before walking away.

some of the finest people i've ever known has been through charity work -- not those in it to pad their resumes or for tax breaks -- but those in it because they genuinely care about other people. some of the worst guys i've ever known have been the drop dead gorgeous guys with swarms of women around them at all times.

ymmv. :)

[david carradine]

anyway. the other thing i should mention is the paramount importance of raw physical sex appeal. i've always found it interesting that dating experts -- such as our beloved wendy -- who have little problem is getting dates, rarely emphasize this point for various reason: 1) there's not much anyone can do about it except for losing weight, working out, fashion, makeup etc., and even then, only goes so far 2) don't want to look shallow, when in fact, most of us are indeed shallow during mating rituals. 3) both those points make it rather depressing for those us (about 70-80% of the population i'd guess) not fortunate to be born with drop dead sex appeal.

so, while understandable it's the elephant in the room no one likes to talk about in polite company, that also i think, leads to dating advice that is misleading and a major disservice to the millions out there seeking the perfect soulmate.

[Dave]

Oh, I wonder, wonder, who...but who knew who, who wrote the book of love...oh yeah it was Wendy who wrote it...
Outstanding words of wisdom, if only we had a president who could speak so well...
It is funny how SOOOOOOOO many people play ALL their cards on a 1st date...maybe that's why they have so many 1st dates???

[david carradine]

continuing on, here are some more pointers:

1) don't put such a premium on hot guys, unless you're equally hot yourself. even if you do find a hot guy, he'll likely break your heart eventually. 2) it's not the end of the world if you're not beautiful and will never land brad pitt as your husband (btw, welcome to the club of the not-so-pretty people -- we're in the majority and we rule the world) 3) that said, stop eating and work out, thereby maximizing your own looks (nothing wrong with that) 4) in addition to blue eyes, flat stomach, lumpy ass, look for guys who are honest, fair and kind <-- those are the qualities that will keep you together long after the hot animal sex fizzles out

[Os]

4. Date more than one person.

I'll call this the Wendy clause......
I like where your heads at kid.

Os

[citywendy]

Carradine, regarding 'sex appeal' : I truly think sex appeal is a trait that can be cultivated. Sure, the outer appearance has somerthing to do with it and people who take care of themselves -- who exercise and eat well and get plenty of sleep and don't smoke and maintain good haircuts and cute wardrobes -- are going to look their best, but sex appeal, to me, has more to do with how people FEEL about themselves.

Average-looking guys who exude confidence and are lots of fun to be around, are way, way sexier than even some patrick dempsey look-alike who's insecure and awkward and arrogant and boring and dumb.

And confidence comes from taking care of yourself and having a life and surrounding yourself with friends and people whom you not only think highly of, but who think highly of you. It's full cycle, see?

[david carradine]

"outer appearance has something to do with it"

wendy, darling... please. outer appearance is the no. 1 thing about sex appeal. it's why brad pitt, tom cruise (not gay! neither am i!) and britney spears are so popular. that is what stands out about them, not their talent (of which there is some, no doubt), because there are zillions of actors/musicians with more talent but without their looks.

maybe it's less of an issue with women than with men, given how women are also concerned with social status, wealth, earning potential, etc. maybe it's true for you at this moment, and i don't doubt you sincerely mean it today. but y'know, tomorrow is another day. lol. next month is another world. two shots of gin in a hopping bar filled wall-to-wall with greek gods giving you the eye is another freaking universe, amen.

look, i've been to the puppet show and i've seen the strings. i'm not saying it's good or bad, it's just the way it is.

[citywendy]

whatevs.

and ps, britney spears is pretty nasty. and tom cruise ain't that much better.

[david carradine]

i love britney, but i don't know about tom's sex appeal because i'm NOT GAY. neither is he.

in any case. as long as you don't date above your beak-grade, you won't end up singing songs like this:

Come Pick Me Up
Ryan Adams

When they call your name
Will you walk right up?
With a smile on your face?
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter?

I wish you would
I wish you would

Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again

I wish you would

When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?

You know you could
I wish you would

Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again

I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime

I wish I could

[THE Single Guy]

Loved the pointers Wendy--and your advice to me on my blog makes as much sense. I just may follow it all.

[david carradine]

alrighty. i just read single guy's blog and here's my take.

however, disclaimer time: i don't know him, what he looks like, what she's like, what she looks like, so there's an excellent chance i'm completely and totally off.

"OK. You're a great person, a really nice guy...but...I'm just not feeling it."

the passion isn't there, likely meaning she doesn't find him hot, to be brutally honest, and i'm going to try to be as candid as possible. it brings up an important counter-point to all my ramblings about not aiming for top tier sex objects.

if you are not so hot, does this mean you gotta settle for passionless relationships for the rest of our lives, dear god? probably, but not necessarily. you might luck out with a hot guy/chick above your pay grade and it happens all the time -- even though it's unlikely it'll last. my point there is look at hollywood: they're all hot, rich, famous, they get hitched and break up faster than i change my underwear. they may have really high highs, and really low lows, with passion to last 10 lifetimes, but the rest of us have stability, security, sanity, long term contentment and long term happiness. it's like a pitcher of beer: do you love pouring it down your throat in one big gulp in a mind-blowing euphoria that may make you vomit, or do you prefer to drink at a steady pace, not spill half of it all over your clothes, and not get nauseous?

the other point i wanna make is somewhat brutal ('cause that's how i am). if you want top tier sex kittens you gotta bring something extra and the "nice" guy/personality don't mean shit. if you don't have drop dead looks, it's gotta be a drop dead bank account and/or job, or mind-blowing charisma, or fame, or something _special_. otherwise, do yourself a favor, and go for the plain janes. ...they're not so bad, yah know.

[citywendy]

carradine, you should leave comments for sg on sg's blog. he may not see it here...
also, you should really read his archives before making judgment calls about his hot-factor. i think his issues with girls have more to do with his lack of confidence than anything.
but anyway, take it up with him, not here.

[david carradine]

"you should really read his archives before making judgment calls about his hot-factor."

fair point, and i did put in the disclaimer. i talk in hot & not-so-hot terms for clarity's sake, but of course, there's infinite variations in between and beyond. when i'm talking about dating "above your pay grade" it's entirely possible that he's hot but he's aiming for super-hot, etc. i'm not really concerned about him, or if i reads anything i say... i think he's a decent guy with a good heart and he'll eventually find the right gal. i really posted the above for any lurkers here. ...but given the lack of response, it looks like no one gives a damn. so, not to worry, i'm off the subject.

[toad734]

As someone who is recently single I appreciate this post. Although I don't agree with all of it, it is helpful. Although I have been told to go on as many dates as possible; you learn something or take something away with every meeting; even if it just learning how to tell someone to fuck off. The main thing this does is forces you to meet and hang out with someone you otherwise wouldn't hang out with; this broadens your horizons.It also exposes what you don't want and what you can't live with. The other thing it does is keep you from being so desperate for that one date. Or so I am told, as I said I am new to the single scene.

Ill keep you updated.

[cinnamongirl]

Sometimes appropriate lyrics are in order:

"And there's no sense in lovin'
Anyone who hates themself"

So true. So true.

[Alan]

Great post - I wish I'd known all this when I was 21. Be happy and content as an individual, and that's when you start meeting people right and left. Having a life - that's the key.

[Lissa]

holy shit. where were you when I was 16, 21, 26? Thank god I found my way but it would have been so much easier had I read this post about ten years ago.

Nice writing, I enjoyed it!

[David]

from a MALE perspective i disagree with you 100%

there are NO RULES TO DATING

we are all different MALE OR FEMALE

I like funny girls and i dont want you to shut the fuck up on a date and if you did, id get the wrong idea - id get the impression you didnt like me.

..and since when is complimenting someone a bad thing, if you feel the urge to tell a man or women they are great.. DO IT !

It comes down to 2 WORDS - " BE REAL "

If the person you are dating cant dig that, then its not for you.. move on.

One persons DATING RULES are not effective for everyone

the BEST and LONGEST relationships ive had - had all the RULES broken immediately and it was amazing!

get OUT THERE and BE YOURSELF..relax.. FUCK THE RULES

[Derrick]

This "get a life" stuff you are talking about, where can I buy one of those? =p